It’s been a few days since I’ve been here. I’m not giving up this habit, but there were things to do. There are things to do today, and tomorrow, so I’m not sure what’s going on. It occurs to me that I could write in remotely, but I don’t know if that would mess up the ritual of me being here, focused.
The boyfriend I have is supposed to come up today. So, despite the fact that I think I want to end things, I probably won’t right now. And I probably won’t throw it in his face by taking the time to write about him while he’s sipping coffee on my couch. Although I might. He’s always remarkably uninterested in anything I’m doing. I want to be generous and say its that he’s giving me space, but… I worry that he’s just stupid. Not severely, he just lacks that spark of curiosity that I hope I’d be able to enjoy in another person. In actuality, it would just make me paranoid that they’d find out more about me than I want them to know…
Speaking of, I met the other boy last night. I’m so glad there was enough space in my schedule to get another night with him. How is my schedule so full, and I’m not even working yet? <=== this branch of the thought tree is going in 2 directions, not sure which comes first.
When I was working, I did not save enough time to have a self. I threw myself wholeheartedly into my work, which is why I was so good at it. I notice that I’m speaking in past tense. I still feel like I’m going to quit, but I also know that I’m not going to. I just can’t seem to find a way to hold on to myself, and the other things that I want to do. I’m conflicted – even during my medical leave, with all the time in the world, I still have not managed to get anything done. So honestly, what is the point of quitting my job? I have a lifestyle to maintain, and financial goals that I was getting close to.
I suppose that, just like with the rest of my life, I should sit down and organize a work system for the job so it doesn’t eat me up so much. I’m trying to think of what aspects of it were even eating my hours, and what I can afford to give up. Honestly, I think social media is the culprit there. I could go back, and just stay off the explicitly unpaid portions of the internet. Maybe schedule one day off a week (I can already tell that I don’t believe I’m going to do that) to work on my other stuff. I think that could work. It’s worth a shot. But I don’t want to risk losing this fire that I have for my other projects.
A fire that I’ve still taken no steps to actually ignite, but still.
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Back at coffee, so I’m continuing.
They are like vampires in the door, like leeches. If I wanted to I could have a full schedule this week, and next week, and the week after, if only I would answer the phone. Or any of my emails.
That boyfriend is on his way up. I have barely any time to see him, and someone is asking me to work tomorrow night.
I want to do it. As much as I feel like work sucks my soul absolutely dry, and rains on my fire relentlessly…
I feel like he does so even more. There is no future in this relationship. He gets visibly annoyed when I even mention anything about future plans that might connect us more than we are now. His reaction ranges from dismissive in a thoroughly condescending way, to actually angry when I try to press.
And he’s not even paying me, ffs.