Mind. Blown.

So, I fucked up today and did other stuff before getting on here. Not much, and hopefully not too much damage has been done.

That boy is going to kill me. <=== do I even know who I’m talking about anymore?

He didn’t text me this morning, I think I’m up earlier than he anticipated (and earlier than I anticipated, given that I took 5mg of melatonin last “night”). However, I did wake up with some things from our discussion last night on my mind, and did a little bit of research.

I had imagined a rule for myself, not to look at any serious stuff before I had gotten coffee, gotten in here, and unloaded. Now, I can’t remember my dreams from last night. It’s all gone. I’m having a hard time getting to that flow state, my writing seems less self-propelled and more motivated. I’m building instead of deconstructing. Maybe it’s the caffeine, I just hit here too late in my chemical cycle and missed the usual point of departure and now have to struggle to catch the tail of the dragon before it flies away.

Walter Moseley describes this half woke, dream dusted state in his book… and notes that while we wake up and often leave the door to our subconscious half ajar, it blows shut when we begin our day and all the revelations that our brain came up with overnight will be filed away in permanent storage and no longer be able to recalled. I have a feeling that I got here too late today, I thought too hard about the future and now the present is actually the past. I’m trying not to get too mad at myself about it – after all, there’s always tomorrow.

And today. I feel unusually motivated. I’m attributing it to melatonin, and my fresh clean brain. I’ve got things to do today, and tomorrow, as always. A while ago, my horoscope (which I also stopped checking during medical leave) said to rest, and that I would need it. It was right, as it always is – sometimes you just have to squint at it a little – and there’s so many things that I’m behind on doing. Stuff I have to figure out, logistics. I have appointments I have to make, keep, and reschedule. I still haven’t checked my work email, and some parts of my personal life are lagging as well. I missed a call from my boyfriend last night while I was fucking someone else.

That boy is going to kill me.

The mask is starting to slip. It’s starting to be more than a show. I’m beginning to realize what’s missing in my relationships, and my life, and me.


And I think that’s kind of why he reminds me of my ex. He’s a real person, and our interactions are real. I, honestly, completely forgot what that feels like. It totally hit me like a ton of bricks and knocked the wind out of me and whatever human allusions can be made to just blowing my fucking mind and leaving me absolutely blank, clueless and scrambling. It has been 3 almost 4 months of fucking this guy before I could figure out what’s going on here. Now I just can’t figure out why I couldn’t figure it out sooner, and why I couldn’t find it anywhere else.

A good portion of the answer to that question is obvious – I’m a fraud for a living. My current boyfriend met me under an assumed name (and everything that comes along with that), and while I didn’t think it mattered – and have always thought that it was utterly ridiculous that it mattered to anyone – the difficulty that I have had in backtracking and getting out of that weird fantasy world and turning the relationship into something real makes it apparent that there’s some things to consider there. <=== not sure what, though. Not sure if it’s them, or me. They always insist and press, and I’m always evasive. Who is the problem here?

It might be me, it might not be. Tonight, I’m going out with someone else, the same someone else I mentioned before. It’s completely different. This man also met me free range, in the normal and open arena of the internet (and not those deep dark places that are so much of my life). Why do our interactions feel so much less… I can’t find the word that needs to go here. My mind is occupied thinking about other things.

That boy is going to kill me. I need to let him go. He’s asking absolutely nothing of me, and frankly that is 100% more than what I’ve got. I should just tell him I’m a barista at Starbucks or a McDonald’s drivethru attendant. I’m not ready to face this, I’m am not ready to face that crumbling look on a man’s face. He reminds me of my ex, and I remember what that looks like. I remember where I was, what my -*our* – house looked like, which table we had, the stray wisp of dog hair under the chair that I hadn’t swept up yet, it was right in the kitchen. And I remember how he tried to make it seem like it was no big deal. All he said was “oh” but it was like a ghost left – not entered – the room at that moment. I don’t understand why, I don’t really even understand what happened, but I don’t want to do that to anyone or myself ever again.

He said “I appreciate you being honest with me.” and I pretty much consider that the end of my life. And I just don’t know how, after all this and half my life later, after 4 years of desperately trying to fake feelings in what really ought to be a much more honest relationship that a random swipe on the most mundane part of the internet can come through and instantly feel so real that I know I can ruin it. I’m doomed.

I bet you, the person clicking ads, are just coming here for the fish photos.

I can relate.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Anna says:

    I was just exploring my own click maze, and wow, the transition from the other post that shares this song tag… that’s quite a trip. I’m glad that I added that extra dimension.

    I wonder what’s missing in my relationship with my paper-towel-trashing side dude that I wouldn’t write a post like this about him, despite feeling this way on some related level… and I wonder what it is about these paper towel dudes that makes them so unable to accept all of me.

    I wish I could add tags to comments. I wonder if I can.

  2. Anna says:

    It’s like I always come back this post just over a half a month later… I think that’s why I’m compelled to comment on this again.

    Yes, the boy and are authentically interacting, which as I see it written that way, I wonder if that’s even possible with me.

    And, I think we honestly don’t really like each other all that much.

    I mean there are definitely aspects that I enjoy and I believe we’re on the same page there, but mmm, yeah… nah. It’s shaping up to be a suboptimal relationship in the typical way relationships are suboptimal, and while it’s probably honestly all my fault, it doesn’t matter. Still sucks.

    It just occured to me that I can hotlink the photo rather than downloading it to save a second of clicking

    My first mental response it that I should open up the swiping meta machine and try out a new dick, and make plans with my side dude for the evening…. but Corona Virus.

  3. Anna says:

    Oh man, it’s like clockwork.

    I can’t resist another comment.

    Yep, still dating this boy… and no, it’s not getting better. Something’s up, the timing of this and everything else, everything about him, is just too good. he knows when to push, and when to pull back, and it’s just enough to keep me from either running away or getting too comfortable.

    He’s a Scorpio. He thinks (actually I don’t know what he thinks) that kind of bullshit is going to keep me on edge, keep me intrigued. I’m a Capricorn. That kind of shit is going to make me find his replacement.

    I believe I could do a lot of good for someone, if only they’d let me.

    I believe… and even if I’m wrong I’m going to keep trying.

    I just have to keep trying to find someone I’m good for.

  4. Anna says:

    More than a month this time, but still compelled to comment. More for consistency than anything.

    The relationship with the boy… I think I’ve broken him. And it’s fine. It’s much less exciting to me, in this moment, perhaps just under the cloud of a general ennui, than I thought it would be.

    I wonder if I’m less exciting to him.

    He still pulls back when I get too close… and that’s fine, because I understand what he is trying to protect himself from and that is a very understandable fear. Because I’m faking it. He is, after all, just an affair from the man that’s supposed to be coming up this weekend anyway, when he will want to see me, and despite being only 5 miles away, I will decline. On the weekend before his big promotion, when we should be celebrating.

    And I’m ok with that, because he is too much of a control freak, far too insular, for me to be bothered breaking in. His secret is that there are no treasures in his skull, and that if I crack it I will be disappointed to find out that it’s empty.

    I can relate.

    Perhaps it’s transference, and I can learn from that fear. How should one respond to that fear?

  5. Anna says:

    Almost a perfect lunar year later.

    These words are still true, and so much more so that I actually teared up.

    The problem here is that he doesn’t know what he does to me. He doesn’t know that he’s the only one I’ve ever been honest with, and he doesn’t know that he’s the only one who knows me.

    (aside from my ex)

    I was done for the day, I don’t know how a stray click landed me back on this post, but I’m a sucker for a good coincidence and I’m taking this as a sign.

    On my to-do list, I wrote down that I have to finish my breakup letter to my boyfriend. the other night when I was at the hospital I had intended to break up with both of my boys, but for some reason started only one letter by the time I left.

    1. Anna says:

      I chose to be honest with him, not the other way around. My honesty is not an attribute of him, or our relationship, it was an attribute of mine, and the relationship that I want.

      He as absolutely nothing to do with it, actually.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *