Trying Times

I woke up late today, because I stayed up late last night. For no reason.

For that reason, I can’t remember even a snippet of my dreams, and I’m sluggish. I haven’t been working out, or having much physical activity that would explain this. I haven’t taken my vitamins (besides melatonin) for 3 days, I should really get on that.

I used to treat my time at home like a vacation, it was so rare. Now, after taking medical leave in November, then February, and now with the shutdown, I’ve been home quite a bit. I had a whole list of things that I knew I would be doing if I only had the time… and I haven’t been doing them. Slowly but surely I’ll be getting to it. I guess I’m having a hard time feeling like it matters.

I spoke to a friend yesterday. He says I’m afraid. He’s absolutely right. How have I known him so long, and so well, that he knows me enough to see me so clearly? He is very, very smart, and I guess it takes a smart person to see through this, I’m a good actress, though he was quick to tell me that I’m not.

That kind of social insight is usually *my* job.

I should work hard, just to show him that his faith in me is not misplaced. I should use it as motivation. This is my shot, and it’s time to shoot. I will. Will I?

This post is not feeling as inspired as others, but I should keep writing. I’ve found this exercise useful overall, so if it’s great some days and not so great on other days, then that’s fine.

I’m trying not to talk about my social life. I was almost going to say the boy, but that’s not quite true. I’ve definitely been putting off a lot of personal growth, hiding behind the distractions of men and psychodrama. I woke up horny today, wanting to call the boy, and I think that’s why I stayed in bed longer than I needed to. I was waiting, thinking about what I should do, waiting for a distraction.

It’s weird, now we’re both home just a few miles away from each other, and we’re not so desperate to get at each other as we were (I was?) when I’d have to cancel work several states away to grab a few hours with him. We actually have a chance to make something real out of this, and we’re adamantly not.

I should be ok with this.

After all, we have a pattern. I blow off work, go over his place, and aside from those 3 nights where I slept over (the first was the best, the 2nd and 3rd I kept us awake), I leave. He has never been over here. I think he’d be horrified. I kind of am… how the fuck did I buy so many shoes?

I was thinking I’d spend a good part of the day cleaning, but I wonder if I’m just trying not to do work. This is my chance to get my living arrangements finally set up too… even though I’m actually trying to move. Irony again.

There is an apartment in town that I’m going to call about, but even though they didn’t post the address, I have a very strong suspicion that it’s right underneath one of the dudes I’ve been sleeping with. That is going to get super awkward when my boyfriend, or the boy comes over.

Yes, I still have a boyfriend, even though he’s quarantined himself far away from me because he likes to do those kinds of things. There are zero cases of coronavirus in the county where I live. So many where he is. He’s a dumbass.

I did end up up having that conversation with him last night, even though I know he was trying to get out of it and handed me some additional bullshit about why I would think that (not a theory of mind expert over there) during. Still, it was a good conversation, much better than I anticipated, even thought I had to lead and basically enforce the whole thing until I got bored. I don’t know how other people manage their lives, with their relationships just flopping like jelly all over the place. Do they just wake up every day and check to see if they’ve gotten married, or broken up?

That kind of sloppiness disgusts me. I can literally feel my stomach churn as if it’s filling with just slightly more liquid, the floating rib and the one above squeeze in, forcing a full feeling at the bottom of my throat. It makes my pulse quicken under my collarbone, and I feel the physical impulse to crane my neck froward and open my mouth (I don’t want to examine that feeling too much further, I might actually throw up). It feels disrespectful to the other person. You’d really just keep someone around for so many years to *wait and see* if things work out? Apparently he would.

Still, the conversation went well, and I think he was relieved.

I’ve had similar conversations with my ex. Every time it went well, and every time he remembered nothing like we’d never had the conversation before. The last time we had the conversation, and it was like he’d never even imagined any of the concepts that I laid out, I realized it was hopeless. 15 years in, and he had never thought about how a relationship actually works. That feeling of realization, the manifestation of desperation and anger hand in hand, that feeling of being swallowed whole by destruction like a frog in boiling water, that hot rising vein of adrenaline like a slow lightning strike through the center in front of the spine, getting ready for fight or flight but knowing that the time to run was long, long ago.

Then the headaches, from the outside in, like two hands grabbing the top of the head from behind. heels of the hands right above the ears, thumbs curved around the base of the skull, fingers splayed and squeezing interlaced over the top. And always, leaning in, slowly but ever increasing.

I’ve got a headache, and so much to do.

But the conversation went well.

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