He Will Survive

I remember thinking…

2/17 and 3 days, that makes it 2/20.

I have no idea what it meant, that was just on my mind when I woke up, and I knew I had to remember it. I wish I could remember why, but I can’t. After I’m done here, I’ll look around for clues. I can’t look too hard, because there are things to do. So many things.

I just said my daily affirmation for the day, but it’s beginning to feel flat and empty. My Father recommends sprucing up the list of affirmations regularly, so that they feel fresh. It might be time to do that. Right after everything else.

First things first – I have to finish the professional paper I’m writing. I came home to do this, it has to get done. My friend said that it’s time to put a complete end to excuses, and he’s right. In my mind, this is my 3rd (and possibly best) chance to get it done, fortuitously. Serendipitously. Urgently. I don’t know if I’ll get another chance. There’s a few reasons why this is the best time, I’ll try to concentrate on a few in order to motivate myself.

  • With the virus putting everyone inside, the need for mobile medical technologies is clear. If I get my grant in during the pandemic, it will most likely catch more eyes.
  • With everyone home, there is a higher chance that my proposal will be quickly read, and more thoroughly discussed. Perhaps I’ll even get more help polishing it from the committee.
  • One problematic committee member is safely inside, and unable to bother me. I would like to have it in place for him to approve before he realizes that… I don’t want to date him. (There’s significantly more to that story but it’s not really of psychological relevance right now)

After that, there is so much more to do. I could list the things, but I keep a separate running to-do list – I haven’t been paying as close attention to it as I should. I’m hoping that if I knock off my writing today (or make a big dent), clear out the biggest item, I’ll be able to breeze through the rest mechanically, if not quickly.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that .ly is a valid domain extension.

Speaking of domain extensions, I’m having an issue with one I am trying to set up and I just had to stop myself from picking up my phone to check and see if there’s been progress on my ticket. I need to do that, but maybe not right now.

2/17, 3 days later it’s 2/20. What happened on 2/17 that lead to 2/20? I don’t know, and don’t know why it’s important, but I know that it is somehow. I want to check everything I have to see what happened on 2/17 that lead to 2/20, but I also want to focus on what’s ahead. I’m having a hard time relaxing enough in order to write, and I’m hoping that I don’t scare the Muse away.

I exchanged a few messages with my ex yesterday… when my mind is cluttered, it tends to settle on the people in my life, and not the higher concepts I try to reach. Perhaps they are tools in my mind, an illustration of what I myself am trying to do here. I wonder what my ex is an illustration of.

Apparently he’s in a pretty tough way in California… He didn’t go into specifics, he never does. I stuck to the subject at hand, which was not the fact that he was stuck out there, and he did answer coherently, only mentioning it twice. After all that, I did send him an additional message –

One of the best traits I’ve seen in you is your ability to handle hard situations. I believe you can handle this.

Me, to my ex

I felt compelled to express this, but I couldn’t find the right words that were both powerful, yet understandable and succinct. I mean it. I’m very worried about him, but I know that I absolutely have no reason to be, and moreover shouldn’t be.

There, I’ve found my breaking point for the day.

I’ve got many, many things to do. And he has nothing to do with any of them. I’ve got no way to help him, I have no connection to his circumstance. The worry is irrelevant to my life, and his.

I feel an awful lot all of a sudden, and I’m having a hard time even opening up to it. It feels like I’m looking at this emotional object, hugging it, but it’s too big for me to fully grab. It’s warm, but the warmth is radiant, not directional. Kind of like it felt to hold him, the few times that he didn’t hold me back. Weirdly, this feeling is inside of me, obviously I know that, but it doesn’t feel like it.

It’s 3:17. What’s going to happen at 3:20?

I keep checking my coffee to see how much as left, and I have a realization that I’m exactly like I used to be, when I was with my ex. I have feelings, they are too big for me to hold, and so I will largely ignore them, perhaps go and make some grand vocal expression to allude to the fact that I feel big things, as a way of handing him my feelings so that I can just go and get back to work. It must have been crushing for him. It’s crushing for me. And I have so much work to do, I don’t have time for this today.

My ribs keep cracking, unable to hold the enormity of something I can’t explain.

I hope he’s ok.

I’m devastated that even that doesn’t matter anymore.

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