I didn’t feel the urgency that I usually do to write today. I just said my daily affirmation.
Despite waking up with my dreams fresh in my mind, at a reasonable hour to handle some necessary things, and a few things that I probably could have said, I rolled over and went back to sleep for several hours.
I wonder why that is. I’ll record what’s left of my dreams now – I feel like I made a point to remember them accurately, but the emotional valence of the situation is gone.
I was at the food bank, where I volunteer. There were only a few people in the building, as I heard is the new protocol (I haven’t done any volunteer work there in about 2 weeks).
I was trying to put together bags of produce for people, and the fridges were full of it. There was actually quite a surplus of food, but I had no idea how many people were outside and what I should put into each bag.
I kept asking one of the directors (who I know of more than know, but I don’t want to get too identifiable) and I could see that he was just ever so slightly annoyed with that. He had a very clear expression on his face that for some reason I remember better than the rest of the dream (other than the fact that the asparagus in the fridge was quite large, yet pale).
He looked at me, his eyes perfectly round as they always are, with a red, dewey rim which one only only notices when they meet his gaze directly, which he seems to be totally aware of whenever anyone does, knowing that they usually don’t. His eyes are very expressive, I’m not sure if that’s intentional or not. I know what his girlfriend sees in him – not only is he classically quite attractive, it is a wonderful thing to feel seen. His eyes clearly conveyed that he knew of me more than knew me in the way I know him, and he knows that I am too good, and make too much money to be taking produce from the food bank, and that I am a fraud, but that it was clearly not his job to say so. However, he could.
The red rim around his eyes was fever bright.I woke up at 1:38, but went back to sleep until 4:43
I do wonder if that man is okay. I actually left in the middle of that recounting to go to the food bank office, as they didn’t respond to my message to volunteer this week, and I caught the breeze of the thought that perhaps my dream was me telling myself I should go. They were closed. There are a lot of older people there, as they have time to volunteer, and I hope everyone is ok.
I just checked my fever as I’ve been doing every day on medical leave, and it is high. Not dangerously high, and I am drinking coffee.
Aside from that, I also took a phone call from my Father in the midst of writing this. I’m motivated to do other work, and I don’t want to lose that. My mind is clear from melatonin, and hopefully not from fever.
I only broke quarantine for one person, and I hope that wasn’t one too many.
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When I said that boy was going to kill me, what I see now I meant was that I am going to kill myself.
He’s just an accessory, like the gun that I would use to put a bullet in my own brain.
Inhuman, objectified. Impartial, ignorant. Unaware, apathetic.
Used. And he allows it. Does he know it?