The Ghost in the Shell Code

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I listened to a seminar last night, it was quite good. It was about writing for your audience. A lot of it I already knew – I did get a top notch education I guess, I paid for it – but there were definitely some very key points in there. I remember at one point I was actually out loud saying “Wow, OMG” at my screen all by myself in my apartment in the middle of the night, but I forget what about.

I have to write that man a letter.

I have to finish the project that I’d be writing him about.

I was rolling, but a few things tripped me up… I’m not mad at myself for it, but it’s time to get back on track. Right now, today.

I can’t remember my dreams last night. I didn’t really feel motivated to anyway. This practice was supposed to get me to remember my dreams more vividly, and it seems to have stopped, or at least hit a lull for the last week or so. I wonder why.

I have started every single paragraph with I.

The writing lecture I listened to last night reminded us to know our audience, which, as a performer and an outsider my entire life, I always do. I actually have no idea how to write without an audience, which is why I am here trying to figure out how. My writing was starting to feel formulaic, inorganic, and something else but I can’t get past the word inauthentic. It’s totally fine if you’re just writing a one-off paper or proposal or introducing yourself to someone you’ve never met before (although even that was beginning to wear thin, as my disdain for the repetition and fear of the disdain being discovered was starting to bleed through from behind the smile). I was losing my edge, I knew it, and I know it so much more now, after a little distance.

I know my audience, but I didn’t know myself. I am not arguing with Dr. McEnerny’s brilliant points, but he assumes a given which is just not true for me. In most cases, it really doesn’t need to be, and in those cases, I really have thrived. I just don’t know what the pronoun I is doing here though.

In all of my professional relationships, and if I’m being honest, almost all of my personal ones as well (how do we even begin to tell the difference? I try and I can’t, which is why I keep constantly experimenting – I should call back random other dude) there comes a time, and pretty quickly, when things go stale. I have paid my respect, I have acknowledged the foundations laid before me, I have put in tension, identified a need, constructed a deal, and satisfied both parties. And then what?

Yeah, my mind is already starting to wander. I can’t even think about it.

Instead, I just think about the piles of people I have disappointed by not knowing the answer to that question. The boy comes to mind, but I want to care so badly but I guess I don’t. I just really wanted to be excited about something again, I guess I’m not.

I really wanted to be excited about my ex again. I don’t know why, but I always, always, always thought that we’d end up back together. But I don’t think I like him. I really wish I did.

And then what? See, the answer has to come from me. I don’t have one.

At work, the answers are clear. I know my audience, I give them what they want. I *know* my audience and I give them *what they want*, much more than they expect out of a business relationship. They seem to think that they should give me something back, like the exchange should then go the other way.

Dude, you just gave me money. Give me more, it’s fine.

I don’t really want much more than that, not from them, at least.

I think I do though. Thinking about the boy again, and my ex, and my side dude (who honestly I respect too much to interfere with to such a degree), and my boyfriend (again as an afterthought), I think I just want an audience. Wow, I’m a terrible, shallow person.

Not really though. There’s a lot of reasons why one would appreciate me.

I’m not quite done my coffee yet, but I should still go get working on those.

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