I had a really hard time getting in to write today… I’m not overtly faulting myself for it, but I do feel some tension between my eyebrows when I say that and a fluttering feeling right at my diaphragm between my lungs when I say that. Then, there’s the pull right at the sore spot, vertebrae c5, at the very base of what could possibly be considered as the neck, between the spatula parts of the shoulders, pulling my head back up to try to ignore the boiling sensation that is drawing me into my stomach.
I’m not going to fault myself for it, a decision rather than a feeling.
There is a lot to unpack, but the point of it is unclear. I kind of want to let myself off the hook, for once, but I know that it’s not me letting myself off and if I relax for too long, if at all, the devil will come collect his due.
My science friend told me that he can see that whenever I have fun, I punish myself for it. This is true and I was just not trying to have anyone see that.
I went to go buy my Father groceries yesterday… I really hope I didn’t give him anything. I’m very worried about it. But how much more can I worry now? What is the point of worrying now?
My temperature was a bit high… 37.1. And only for a second.
I really should have stayed home, but he was so excited to see me, even from a distance.
I think that my temperature spiked because I was ovulating. I hope that’s it. I have had temperature spikes of up to 37.4 during peak ovulation, and typically 36.8-9 is fine during that week. I only started keeping track after my surgery, because I freaked out a couple of times thinking I was dying.
I can’t wait until all this is over and I can hug my dad again. We both brought plastic sheets so that we could hug each other. We still didn’t.
Anyway, even though we never got closer than a shopping cart distance between us as we wrapped up and sprayed down groceries. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m hoping my slight temperature spike was just because I was ovulating.
As if a sign specially placed for me, when I went to the CVS after my dad left (I tried to chase him down but I couldn’t), there were extra thermometers because apparently even though most of the world’s population is female, no one gives a shit about women enough to know that “ovulation prediction kits” actually include thermometers because *that is how you fucking tell*.
This world is going to be destroyed by idiots. On the grand scheme they are far more destructive than the tiny, minuscule opportunities that are left for the intellectually capable by their massive asshole oversights, like cow pies adding nutrients to random patches of grass while their constant farts destroy the entire ozone layer.
So, I’m hoping that the temperature spike, which is gone completely, was just a sign of ovulation, as I am supposed to be ovulating during this week.
I actually downloaded a cycle predictor, because it was included in one of those sex diary apps and the boy and I were joking about data. It seemed to be the most inclusive one that could accommodate an Apple/Android relationship. and I just realized that I stopped recording in it last month, and I forget why I opened it on Wednesday, but then I realized that I was ovulating (It was the first time I noticed it was tracking such things), and then I was not so freaked out yesterday when my temperature bumped up the characteristic almost 2 degrees (even though I was in fact totally freaking out).
Although I really don’t know why I continued not freaking out when the boy invited me over after.
Honestly, I think it was the best sex we’ve had to date.
Fuck, the data speaks for itself.