Once again, I ruined a perfectly good day. I slept through 2 rather important phone calls, despite the fact that I woke up to look at my phone for each of them. I have a feeling I’ll do better tomorrow.
I had dreams, I think on the second or 3rd go of it, although they were very fragmented this time and I can only remember elements of them.
I don’t know if I should even bother to be quoting.
I was in a car, I believe with my mom and brother. He was a child, I believe she was younger (I never think of her as old) and it was the small, cramped but very fun sportscar that we had back then.
Come to think of it, this was the frozen setup scene of a very traumatic event that happened in that car.
But, rather than the terrific accident that actually ensued from that point in real life, I instead was focused on shoes. Specifically, a set of gold sequin or glitter shoes from Rainbow (ooh, I wonder if they are closing) that would suit a date I was going to go on with in the City (there is only one) with my boyfriend. In my mind I scanned their site and looked for the perfect pair.I remember a distinctly sexual feeling when I was looking at shoes – totally inappropriate.
I woke up when a phone call came in. I felt, and I still feel, pain. Like the pain I used to feel constantly before my surgery.
I’m desperately afraid it didn’t work, I really don’t want to go through that again. I was just starting to feel good for the first time in probably almost a decade.
I can feel the pain, and I can feel the fear of the pain. the pain, like a cheese grater being taken to my insides, it feels like blood, like a puffer fish covered in spikes is being inflated in my abdomen, pushing everything out of the way. I just touched myself, and while my muscles hold me in – I have always had a great set of abs and they are so much better now – underneath it is hard, and painful to the touch. Not as bad as it used to be. I’m told my tumors were the size of grapefruits, and I’m rather proud that I was still able to suck my stomach to flat on a constant basis without even thinking of it.
I was in constant pain. I am now. I used to feel like this all the time.
I feel a lot of ways about this. First off, I am scared. Second off, I have more to say than just this, but I’ve wasted all of the time that I had to say it.
Third, I have to be on a zoom call in 14 minutes.