I did dream last night. It’s so strange, I feel like I’ve forgotten, but as I remember one piece it all comes flooding back.
At first I don’t know if I have anything to write, and then it all becomes too much.
There is way, way too much today.
I dreamed about my family, mostly. My mother, several aunts and uncles, an old house, both my godmother and godfather (only one I can call today, I should), and one embarrassing incident.
I clicked away when I recalled the embarrassing incident. And again. I see the point of my dreams, but I’ not sure where in the dream it actually came from. It’s fine, I don’t mind. But I do have to think of it.
And yes, I did take melatonin last night, I feel like I have to apologize to the imaginary audience for being a bit fuzzy today.
I’m going to start, knowingly at the almost end.
I can’t remember what house I was in, but it was a house that I should know well. There were elements of it that felt like my old childhood house, pieces of it that felt like my maternal grandmother’s house (and actually, with alterations to it that I have dreamed of before, and I do believe many people had been there…)
The house was crowded, very crowded. I’m not sure what I was doing there, how I ended up there, but apparently I was planning on staying a while with all these people.
One of whom was my ex’s sister, the one who I believe I knew best. She is older, and likes to be friends with black people like a fucking racist <=== this is what I originally wrote but it’s mean, what I actually mean is that she has an internal construct to overcome and thinks that my opinion on the subject is somehow going to help.
There was going to be a meal served, but as always there was a shortage of chairs and table space. This was common at meals with My ex (ooh, capitalized pronoun, I must have mail waiting), not so common at meals with my family.
My ex’s sister, who, as the sister with no kids, usually gave up her seat at the adult table to sit somewhere else, took me out of the dining room to sit in another room which felt like the kitchen in my childhood house (referring to it as my childhood house is slowly making me feel less sharply, not better but less bad, about the fact that it is gone. The word gone opened a hollow pit in my stomach) where a makeshift table and 3 chairs or so were out.
It is also important to note that there were birds, I believe parakeets but bigger, they looked like miniature turkeys actually, were wandering around the house. They were wearing Christmas sweaters, ridiculously enough. At that point I’m sure I was in my childhood house, as they wandered up the hall to my father’s half of the house.
Apparently I knew there would be some, but apparently not so many. The woman who I imagine was my ex’s sister but now felt somehow like my least favorite aunt (omg ouch) said that “There used to be 4 last time you were here, but we got a few more…” in that way that indicated that she disapproved of the choice but knew it wasn’t her place to say, she knew it was ridiculous.
She then put my attention to 3 chairs (this is the important part, or at least the part that I am for some reason having a really hard time getting to even though it is important) and told me to sit down. One was for her, one was for me obviously, and the third was for my cousin, who is also my Godfather. I haven’t seen him in a long time, and have no way to contact him. This part is deeply hurtful and embarrassing, and several emotions that are swirled together underneath my stomach like a garbage disposal grinds below the drain.
He wasn’t there. Apparently he was upstairs.Why is it so hard to talk about him?
I feel like I need to explain but there is no one to explain this to, and no reason to explain this. Do I need to explain this to myself?
Honestly, I don’t want to. Not today.
I’m not sure why I left, I probably figured it would be a while before things got rolling, and I didn’t want to be sitting just waiting for people.
I feel like turkeys are the dream symbol for my little brother. Who would have had to be there for this. And, sadly, would always walk unwelcome down the hall toward my father’s end of the house, ridiculously, to try to talk to a man who didn’t want to talk to him.
I do not think that this boy would make a good father. It’s fine, I’m not pregnant.
Anyway, I left, and went into what might have been my living room, but instead continued and became a bar. There was a pretty wild scene going on, a few pool tables, it was a bar I have dreamed of before but I can’t remember how it got i my head. I was sitting on a bed with a boy, talking to another boy, and the conversation turned salacious. I don’t remember what was being said, but there was some physical contact initiated – still on the flirtatious side, but now I was on the bed with 2 dudes.
And my nephew walked in, in footed pjs, my godfather’s adorable son. He ran through, and said in his cute innocent voice that he saw videos of me dancing on Youtube as he ran through the room in that unbalanced but somehow fast way that toddlers do, apparently on his way to dinner.
The entire bar laughed. Not sure whether it was with me or at me.
I took that as my queue to leave, so I straightened my clothes and went back to the kitchen. It was now dark, had I waited until everyone was gone?
Under the window, seated in a tan fleece hoodie, which I think I had actually seen his father in a few times, was my godfather. Honestly I think of him as my older brother but I have to get that mentally straight or at least I feel like I do.
I sat down next to him to talk. I told him that he looked like he lost weight, even though the opposite was actually true (my other uncle does that to me, I guess I know how it feels when you talk to someone that you should know so well but actually don’t know at all) He looked right at me, but it was shadowy. Is it because I can’t even really remember what he looks like anymore?I woke up. I wish I had more time to talk about dreams, but I don’t.
My phone already started chiming, I know the boy is messaging me and I have a bunch of text drafts that I put in my phone last night to send out at a time when people were going to be awake, or more honestly a time when I would be awake to answer their replies.
But, I have to find my godfather today. It’s rather important.
Our Uncle has died.
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I needed to read this today, I’m glad I did.
I’m going to break up with the boy tonight – in 7 minutes I will send a text. I’m trying to invite myself over so I can do it respectfully – I am trying so hard to be a good person – but I’m incredibly horny, and ovulating, and honestly I can’t look in the mirror and tell myself that I’m not going to fuck him if he tries, and I promised myself that the next time I got pregnant I would keep it.
(the video for this is so perfect, it literally was just the song that was playing when I typed this, this is what I’m doing in lieu of song tags now)
I have broken so many promises to myself. What’s one more?
I don’t know, what’s one more?
God help me.