In/Adequacy at 5:35

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I don’t remember my dreams (I don’t think) but I remember waking up and checking my phone and seeing it was 5:35.

That was obviously a dream. I woke up at 2:33, just a bit too late to get done anything I wanted today. Half of me thinks that I should drop this post and go try and do what I can, but I just don’t have the desire to rush through anything anymore, ever.

If there’s one thing I can take with me from whatever this was to wherever this goes – I shouldn’t get so stressed out over everything. I’ve worked hard to be able to relax a little bit, and ffs I should not be stressing out about anything that does not cost or earn me money.

This is useful advice for a business deal I am trying to make. But, it’s a truth I’m sticking to.

I also have to think about when I’m going to have my boyfriend up here. I have to call my father first. My Corona test came out clear. So did the boy’s. Last night was pretty good.

I am a little nervous about having my boyfriend up here, with the boy just hovering around. My boyfriend is oblivious to anything, all the time – not really as much as it seems to me, but he’s wired to watch out for an entirely different class of threats than I am. The boy… we’re more closely aligned in that regard. He will know exactly what that Miami Vice looking convertible is doing in front of my house. He has family in NY too, we all have family in NY. However, not everyone in NY has family here, and that’s the difference.

It’s cool, I have a feeling he’s not coming but we’ll see. I would probably know right now if I hadn’t fucked through his phone calls last night.

On the one hand I feel cruel (on the other hand cool, I can’t help myself my 11 yr old self is still in here somewhere) but whatever. Emotions are transient. If people don’t feel the need to examine their intrinsic electrical function, or the chemicals that preserve this life giving reactive charge, then fuck the feelings that these things produce. You don’t know what you’re doing with these things, like a random run of the mill hick with a military grade weapon. Happens, whatever, but I can also understand why it scares people, enough to the point that they want to stop it, even though they have no right to measure the in/adequacy of anyone else, Hippocrates (yeah, that guy).

That doesn’t resonate with me.

The boy

I didn’t take melatonin last night, hoping to get up earlier than I did (why did I think it was 5:35, and where did that come from? It’s like those dreams where everything is just so normal that you would swear it’s real life, until you find the one thing that doesn’t fit, and then comes that awestruck, almost terrified feeling as you realize that so many things that you thought did make sense actually don’t, and eye everything about your day with quiet suspicion until you just give the fuck up and go with it, ask your ex if he actually called, realize that the friends you called are actually dead, and that you never actually took the laundry out of the dryer this morning).

I also missed a call from my Father, who was going to be my excuse for not seeing the boy this weekend if he came up. There’s also the whole moving thing, which I might just do.

And I looked at my phone and I’m really wishing I got up when I had whatever that dream was that told me it was too late to do anything, because it’s so late.

I checked my phone again, went to the bathroom, and decided to abandon this. I might have some things that need getting done by 5:35.

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