There’s a point in building habits where the thrill of reinforcing the target behavior is gone, yet the behavior hasn’t yet become automatic to the point of reflex.

I feel like that’s the weakest point for me in many things, including quitting smoking.

I feel like this playlist has too many predictable songs in it.

I feel like that’s the weakest point for me in writing here.

I have stress in My chest, the thin rapier like blade of adrenaline right at the heart of My throat where my collarbones meet… I thought about that place on the boy’s body, and my god. He is just so delicious.

Conflicted feelings… the adrenaline spreads like a drop of syrup in water, spreading slowly along the bottom as it slips through thinner, but not altogether insubstantial liquid.

I do enjoy him, but is it enough?

The tops of My nostrils burn, like I’m going to start crying and blame it on allergies. It’s been a bad season this year.

I had dreams last night. I sniffle, it was probably allergies. It’s probably good that this post has so many repeat songs on it, as I don’t think I’m going to have the time to come back and put in manual links.

I keep thinking of X-Men the animated series. I wonder where I can get all of it right now. This is what I want.

I keep thinking about work. I reached for my phone.

I’m watching myself write here, superficially, quickly, as though this were a place of quantity instead of quality and I suddenly had the gripping urge to check the analytics on this site.

The anxiety is starting to explode inside me, I have someplace I have to be in an hour. And it’s not even that important, what is happening to me.

I totally know, I’m moving. And my landlady is nuts to the point where I have considered filing for harassment. Can I just be Black without people thinking I’m either invincible or disposable?

I know (and I have used this pronoun so much, what am I defending myself against? I have noticed that I engage in this pattern when I am feeling attacked.) I had to close those parentheses.

For some reason every time I’m about to give up on something, that’s when something clicks and I get right into it. Like this post, for instance. Hopefully like quitting smoking. And hopefully not like my relationship (I just deleted and retyped that word 3 times) with my ex… or my relationship with my boyfriend, who I once again thought of as an afterthought and I feel terrible for that but really, what would one expect?

I just thought of something that I don’t want to put down, even here.

I feel like I could go back and write that screenplay, hopefully this fall. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long winter.

The invisible tears that are so slight that I could pass them off as allergies for months and years at a time (I have) come from a different place depending on what’s on my mind. My left nostril and the corner of my left eye get so slightly damp it feels only sticky when I think of letting my current boyfriend go. For a stranger with a big dick, he’s been really great. I think he always knew that this would end, because he actually feels like relationships end.

There are types of tears that one can’t fight. The kind that come out from under the top eyelid. There is a tear duct up almost at the inner corner of the eyebrow. There is nothing I can do about that one. However, I have had eye infections there before, and so it’s good to clean it out once in a while. That’s what I have told myself for my entire life. I don’t care if anyone thinks this is stupid, it’s your fault for clicking on this link.

I don’t think relationships end.

I can’t handle it.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Anna says:

    6 months to the day… and I still haven’t broken up with my boyfriend.

    As a matter of fact I’m supposed to go down to see him tomorrow. I don’t really want to.

    I also realize that I have to watch my language again. In terms of framing as much as possible in the concrete, positive, present, and future tense. I have to focus. I will start now.

    What made me start slipping? It’s obviously a good habit that I had been building, and I can see from my life then vs. now that this practice moves me in a direction that I want to go. But there is that lag that I noticed and mentioned here, the space between ambition and habit.

    I can and will start again, and that is much better than giving up.

    Like quitting smoking.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *