I’m trying this again, and while it may be a self fulfilling prophecy, I’m not expecting much out of myself today. It’s fine, it happened.
I woke up late, I was planning to. I was with my side dude last night.
I feel embarrassed writing about him here. Like he’s way too good to be tangled up in the ridiculous mess that is my emotions and all this. He is.
I still haven’t officially broken up with the side dude yet… I have to, but I don’t want to right now, there are more important things to do. I basically told him I was busy for the foreseeable future, but I’m hoping I don’t just leave it hanging like that for ever. I might though, being as it takes a lot of time to break up with someone and the payoff is so low.
Burning acid right behind my collarbone… why? I’m pretty sure the breakup is inevitable at this point. I don’t want to get cheated on again, I want to leave first for once. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like me enough.
I thought I felt something real with him, I really did. and it is real. It just isn’t what I want. I want someone to really love me.
Tears from under the lower eyelid – I straighten my lip and stop them dead. There are people with real problems out there, and hey, I’m one of them. Why am I wasting my time even noticing tears over a dude who, for being older than me, was *remarkably* immature. I think I also feel embarrassed that (I got up and would have let myself walk off for good, if it weren’t for the fact that my coffee was still here) I let myself get wrapped up so tight in superficial shit. And embarrassed that I put up with someone like that… now when he goes fucking around town, which he will, people will somehow think that this is the best *I* can do.
I guess I better go back to work for a bit… I know it’s probably not the best decision for my health, or my sanity, but it is the most effective coping mechanism I’ve found so far to deal with my general dissatisfaction with everything that is this normal life, everything that other people seem to be satisfied with, and everything that will never be enough for me.
Maybe I left my job because I was afraid it would leave me too? Honestly, it’s a constant fear, that eventually no one will want me. Fortunately, it hasn’t happened yet.
I just had a flashback to my life with my ex, the one this current boy was meant to replace, in size, insecurity, domesticity, and the fact that I could curl up next to someone twice my size and fall asleep like nothing was wrong even though everything was wrong. I felt the same way, unwanted. And I went to work, hard, where I felt exactly the opposite.
I guess that’s what has to go on here, now.
I better get my client list in shape for Quarantine Part 2