Well. I’m feeling apprehensive today, vulnerable.

I had dreams last night, but they’re running just under the surface (I almost wrote service) and I had to convince myself to turn on music, afraid that my new neighbors would hear and judge me.

Who cares who judges me?

Tell him the truth. It doesn’t matter what he wants to hear, it’s the truth.

My awesome friend, who is also a Scorpio, that I am still somehow afraid that I will never see again despite talking to her regularly. I can still remember what she looked like on that last day in February, I hope she looks less scared now.

I slept all day, probably also afraid of the judgement. I’m almost there, I’m almost done, all I have to do is find my landlady (who, despite being an asswipe for more than 3 months, is radio silent now that I say I’m out).

I clicked away. I know what I’m really afraid of. I don’t know why, though.

I have to break up with the boy. Why am I afraid? He’s just a dude. He’s not even all that awesome, what am I afraid to lose?

But I just got up and looked into the other room for no reason.

It’s Sunday. I should have spent this weekend with him, he should have at least come over and helped me move furniture. I fucked up. And I slept all day.

I am so mean to people when I try to protect myself. Like a fucking cornered animal. He is going to leave me, so I have to leave him. I can say whatever I want about it, and I will, I have, but that is the truth.

Where are my headphones?

Why did they close my tinder account?

I should stay away from that place anyway, it’s stupid. I honestly have a fuckton of real work to do and this should be considered a real blessing from God.

You don’t really like me that much, and I can tell. That means that we both can do better.

What I was planning on saying to the boy before my scorpio friend told me that it sounds like bullshit, and I should just be honest and tell him that I thought my actual boyfriend was going to die in NY with 150k other people, but he didn’t, and now I have to get back with him. Besides, he obviously would rather be sleeping with a basic white slut anyway, and my intelligence clearly pisses him off, and he thinks I talk too much, and we have absolutely nothing in common despite it looking like we do.

Despite, statistically, being 85% likely, based on school attendance and year and profession, to get married. <=== this is actually a lie, or an intentional generalization based on a cherry picked selection of metrics. There are others present that would lower that number substantially, this probability was calculated in the exclusion of those, and the equation was performed with a defined final outcome in mind and therefore not really organically discovered. The pieces were forced to fit the puzzle here. So much of science is like that. I really thought, when I met this boy, that he would be the type of person who was interested in untangling those kind of spiderwebs with me, at least some times.

I just got up again (maybe it’s just that this chair is uncomfortable) and thought mean thoughts about my ex. He is, in fact, an asshole. But, he was the type of guy (my fingers fluttered for quite a while before typing that) that would have helped me solve any problem. If he weren’t such an asshole, he’d have been an amazing engineer.

Why are white people so lazy. And jealous.

My side dude still hasn’t called, though.

I still have about one third of a cup of coffee yet. I still haven’t given back the keys to my other apartment, I don’t know what they’re expecting me to do. Maybe they died.

I (don’t mind being defensive here, I think I’ve thoroughly explored why or at least enough of the why to close these parentheses) don’t know if I’m trying to rush through this coffee so that I an get over there and break up with this boy, or nursing it so that I don’t have to.

Perhaps both. Why did I sleep until 5? I had been doing so good.

Why did I let my phone die last night? I had been doing so good.

Why have I not checked my work phone in a week? I had been doing so good.

I’m bailing on this post, I don’t care.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Anna says:

    My side dude is the type of person that is committed to untabgling the difficult problems with me, always.

    Why do I not trust him with my life, I don’t know, but I know, and it’s terrible.

    I should just go with it.

    I took the morning after pill today, and yes he was over last night.

  2. Anna says:

    I came back to this post because of a shared music tag, and because of my side dude.

    I have to let my side dude go. It makes me feel terrible. Of all the men that I’ve got in my life, I’m going to let *him* go?

    I keep embedding music videos rather than dealing with this.

    It doesn’t matter what he wants to hear, it’s the truth. I feel like he’s the only person that actually knows me, that really understands me, sees through everything and sees how desperately I am trying to just get myself to get up and go. All of the things I say I hate about people don’t apply to him. All of the problems I have with other people I don’t have with him.

    I just don’t like fucking him. I’m not attracted to him, physically.

    He is probably the only person in my life mature enough to handle a broken heart.

    He is probably the only person in my life who will understand why I have to break his heart.

    He is probably the only person in my life who doesn’t deserve a broken heart.

    This is why I am a terrible person.

    I just hope that…

    I don’t know what to hope for. I have a full cup (the second cup) and it’s piping hot and I have no excuse but I just want to bail.

    Do I have to do it? Do I really have to?

    I do. Because he’s the one person who will understand that I have to.

    God, why is life so fucked up like this.

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