Coincidence Factory

Still raining – I wonder what’s going to go on.

Such a coincidence that is has rained the entire time I’ve been in my new apartment, or at least (I’m thinking) all of the time I’ve been awake in it. Because, it was a very nice day today. The street is actually louder than I anticipated, and I haven’t been sleeping all that well. It’s ok, that is not a permanent situation. I have to move my furniture. But that means that I have to call my side dude to help me with furniture.

I guess the boy could do it, but I wanted it to look a little less trashed when he came over…

I did go over there last night, to break up with him. I delivered my line, and it continued. He knows me, and yeah I know me too, and we all knew what was going to happen. Why did I lie to myself, how did I get myself to lie to myself again is the actual question.

How did I let myself fool me. What makes that a good thing to do?

Yeah, we both have the potential to get hurt here, badly. But I’m not trying to live my life running from that fear anymore.

Then he kissed me, and I just love the texture of his tongue sliding against mine. It’s aggressive, but not invasive, just like him. It was a great night, but I broke one of my Sylvie Monthule or whatever g-string “confidence boosters” as I like to call them.

Now I *have* to go back to work, because I finally told the boy the truth. I feel terrible for my ex, in the snapshot of time that was the moment I told him, and while he since has been more than enough of an asshole to deserve 10x that, I just got up and walked around and finished half my cup of coffee.

I do still have things I have to do.

You know (you, whatever), there’s a lot to unpack here. A lot. I think that’s why I keep trying to get away from it.

I had dreams last night – the memory of them feels like gravel, or graham cracker flour. If the dream was a cracker, then the memory of it, crushed and kneaded, is the flour. I feel it there, but I know there’s absolutely no way I can get that back into cracker form.

So… I missed a call from my boyfriend last night, probably about the time I was putting a whole hand of claws down the boy’s back, it was honestly quite good.

I feel terrible though. I do. I mean he just moved all of my stuff for fuck’s sake and then this boy who honestly hasn’t done anything for me ever, except maybe mmm… ever, gets the girl. I don’t know. I feel like my mother would say… nothing, because this is not the situation that one speaks to a mother such as mine about.

I should call my cousin. I will.

Humans manufacture their own coincidences. How, I have no idea, I know nothing about that, but I feel that they do. I feel that we have.

I said that to the boy last night, when I thought I was still going to leave without taking off my clothes. Did I? I mean fuck, I shaved for it.

I’m gulping my coffee now, I just realized I never put on music today.

I wonder when I’ll learn to deal with things properly.

Will I ever?

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