I hid for most of the day again, it happens, it’s going to happen sometimes, but I feel better now.
I had been really worried, when I started messing around with the boy, that I would damage him and his good habits, the way that my boyfriend (oh yeah, he’s still around) does to me. But no, I think that all this just proves to me, personally, that I am not assertive enough in my plans for myself, and all these men, no matter who they end up being, knock me off my path too easily.
Sometimes there are songs so bad that I have to hit skip on the playlist, I kind of told myself I was never going to do that, but oh well.
My ex wants things from me, and I can tell that he can feel (I’m imagining, but I do know him pretty well… don’t I? And he knows me, which is how he can tell too) that he’s losing his hold on me, that I have fully moved on, and most likely have another man that I’d rather be cooking dinner for and cleaning up after than him.
He’s sounds so pathetic when I talk to him, the angry screams are just becoming whines. I know that feeling. I really do. So angry that someone is leaving, again, but knowing full well that if you show that you’re angry, they will, in fact, leave forever. We’ve both felt that way about each other, a lot. It’s painful to feel, and painful to watch.
OMG I had to end that playlist. That was also awful.
My side dude recommended Tidal, and whatever I’ve been spending so much money lately so I might as well sign up.
My soul (slowly moving past the I stage, but barely, limping along but I’m still pleased with myself that I got up at all today. I didn’t want to. I just went back to read and forgot what I was going to say.) feels empty today
I know how my ex got to be the way he is, but I have never understood why he would choose to be that way to me. I thought we were supposed to be better than that to each other. His life was not good, I know. Neither was mine, and he knows that too. So why, rather than be each other’s safe haven, does he just derive such joy and false feelings of superiority because he thinks he knows where my sore points are and he’s finally found a foe he can truly defeat. So thoroughly exploitative, I would never in a million years do that to anyone, anyone who would ever be so good to me as to even say they love me, and try to make it look like they did. I would never do that to him.
I feel like an idiot. How the fuck was anyone supposed to love me, what kind of idiot would believe something like that. Especially not someone like that, and especially not someone like me. I want to hang another mirror below the mirror, across from the mirror and one that looks right at me, right now, so that I never forget what the fuck I look like and why I am nothing but a tool for him, and why I shouldn’t let my heart get broken again by someone who, no matter how much we’re supposed to know each other, never stops being surprised at our similarity, some kind of fucking surprise, that I could have a whole life as complete as his.
Instead there’s a mirror next to me, left there from last night, I had to change this because I don’t want to post anything too dangerous on the internet (why are all these moral minefields so much more socially acceptable than the occasional mention of a completely emotionally inert chemical), and my side dude left a card with his name on it.
Of course, street names are different than bank names. He has a great name. And honestly, his dick feels better than the boy’s and
I left that sentence hanging because I couldn’t finish it, and maybe that’s why I couldn’t get up this morning.
I really should have called my ex last night.