I should have come here earlier, but that is not a true regret. I woke up at 11:33, was proud of myself, but so proud that I rolled over and relaxed in my warm blankets until 1. I’m not mad at myself, I felt at the time like I deserved it. I still do.
I had a dream last night, and most likely several, but they slipped away and all that I can remember was being in an apartment in New York, asking my side dude to come with us to a show, only I had waited until 2am to invite him.
There’s something so telling there, I’m not sure if I want to open a quote for it. Both my side dude and my Mother are from the same neighborhood of the Bronx. If you’ve ever seen that neighborhood, you’d know how non-specific that is.
I remember the first time I saw Coop City. It was absolutely insane, mind blowing to me. My Mother had never brought me to New York, or not that I can at all remember, nor had my Grandmother, neither of them because that was honestly not where they were from though they both did their time there (we all do, I was later told) and so the first time I went I was already in college, going to a party.
I had of course been through before but that was the first time that I actually had a really good look at it.
And it was terrifying to me. <=== it occurs to me that using the word and to begin a paragraph is an artificial way to force some kind of appearance of flow. It’s fake and it doesn’t work. I’m purposely breaking the rhythm that never existed as a punishment for limping along with that kid of crutch – limping may alleviate pressure on the injury for a step, but over the course of the walk injury can be done to the spine. So not worth it.
Coop city, where each building has more people in it than most towns I have ever lived in, and certainly more than I had at the time. It should never be like that – It became obvious to me, in that moment, thinking of what all this must look like from space, that I realized that the good green marble that we all thought we looked like to the galaxy was gone, human outcroppings marring the surface like psoriasis plaques, the disease we are. And like an infestation of insects, each one of us was oblivious to the pain we were causing the entire world.
We have to be, we’re just trying to make it, after all.
On that note, let me not just go full macro and talk about how awful everything is, though I easily could. I’m not even trying to stretch my coffee out, although I did refrain from a sip just now, because I want to finish and go smoke a cigarette. This post is feeling uninspired, and I guess that’s fine.
It’s Friday, I’m supposed to go chill with the boy but you know what? I don’t want to. I would much rather call my side dude. I’m allowed to do what I want, so why am I hesitating?
I’m going to allow myself to sink into trivialities, why should I stop myself. I am allowed to sound like a whining child sometimes.
I paused, thinking. My Mother, she does not think she is allowed to sound like a whining child, and therefore she does all the time. We were waiting for my side dude, but I had put off calling him, still, my Mother was expecting him. It occurs to me that even though I refuse to play games with him, I have been really twisted with him. I should let him go completely.
But that is not what he wants, he has been clear about that. <=== I think “but” and “and” fall into the same category. Especially when I have no intention of talking about what he wants, and I don’t really want to give him what he wants. I don’t think I can, but honestly I don’t know why because he’s honestly the only person who I think wants me for who I am. I don’t know that, really. And I realize that every time I talk of him, honestly becomes a common adjective. I wonder who else falls into that category. No one I can think of right now.
Retreating. I’m mad because I have to go hang out with the boy today. I don’t have to specifically, but it’s expected that when I’m around I’ll see him on weekends. I don’t want to, I’ll say it again. And I shouldn’t… because I just caught myself thinking thoughts that have absolutely no place in a relationship like this. He is definitely not worth hating.
There is a big question that I am eventually going to need to answer, and honestly given my age I probably should have already. Why do I devote so much time to people that I hate?
I can see one thing clearly <=== I as a power grab, not so much as a defense this time. I had expected more out of today, but then again I expected more out of yesterday too. Today, I can see that I really hate people that waste my time. I hate wasting time. and I just naturally grow to hate the people that do that.
I’m just afraid that if I don’t take up his time, he’s going to cheat on me. And, honestly, if that’s my only fear, then wtf am I doing. He’s not even that good in bed.
I just thought of fucking my side dude… and I don’t want to do that either.
How do I fix this.