Sabotage

I woke up today just a little after the perfect time… and rather than enjoy that, I decided to rollover and enjoy a few more hours of nice, warm sleep. I’m trying not to be mad at myself about it, but I feel deep down I did it because the boy has a long weekend and I was subconsciously trying to sabotage what could have been a good day for us.

In the end, I sabotaged myself. This is not healthy. It is making me into less, and it is making me hate him for it.

Right now, I’m battling with myself as to whether or not to stay here. I think I slept through anything profound, and I am already texting the boy, and I want to go clean my kitchen. I know that something good can come out of this, if I stick with it – it often does.

The boy just went to the store, right past my house, and is now on his way home… he didn’t even come by.

I actually like dealing with narcissists, I’m used to it. I’m dead to them as soon as I walk out the door, every time, and they never ask questions about where I’m going or what I’m doing.

Me to the boy, during our last fight, which unfortunately does not look like it’s going to be our last fight.

And while I’m here…

I’m trying to pinpoint the exact time I grew to hate my ex, and the time when I grew a hatred (it’s not the same) for my boyfriend, and see what similarities this has with my growing hatred of the boy.

I just hate the fact that I’m giving so much to them, for nothing in return. I suppose yes, it is my choice to give some of the things – all of my time, the expensive gifts, vacations, etc – but I don’t see how caring for someone to the extent to which I care as *optional* in a relationship. And I’m frankly disgusted to a core I can’t even see that they do. In so many ways… the ways in which these men (and I should say people) disappoint me are as different as they each are.

Yes, it’s true, I always hear that they don’t want to be overbearing, and I suppose I have heard a time or too many that I am.

Distracted and abbreviated, but I’m still glad I came in here today.

It costs exactly zero dollars.

Me to the boy, during our fight, referring to how easy it is to get an std test rather than just rely on me solely to be responsible for his health, like men always do. Wtf is that about, fucking lazy reckless bastards. Making everything someone else’s fault all the time.

I think I’m going to renew this domain for another year.

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