Words (don’t) Matter


I didn’t write this morning, and I didn’t wake up here this morning. I still feel like I should write, because I can.

I wonder if it’s a false sense of achievement, a self indulgence, to write here even though the magic of waking has faded (even though I came home and took another 3 hour nap and had a complete dream cycle) because my head is still so full, so confused… it always is.

Did I say my affirmation?

I greet this day with hope, vigor, and strength. This day holds new opportunities, that I look forward to exploring.

I really like this affirmation, but it may be time to freshen it up. Plus, there are others that I should be saying as well, as I have seen that I haven’t been living by them.

Maybe that’s the point of today, to rework my affirmations. I clicked away, looking at houses that I will not buy.

I work hard and efficiently. My efforts provide me with immense and sustained success.

I used to say this one much more often. I will say this one much more often.

There is one that I barely remember, but should… I blew off my side dude last night, I should call him. As I’ve said before, I don’t want to mess around with him because I respect him too much to do so, but in effect I have treated him rather disrespectfully. There is no fixing it. I don’t know how.

I handle my interpersonal relationships with the respect and attention that they deserve. These relationships improve not only me, but those around me.

I will do better here.

Yesterday, one of the random men I had been fucking around with before the pandemic, and talking to here and there during, just texted me. I had lost my phone, and lost his number, and wasn’t going to look for it. I kind of want to see him, but I have to let him know that I’m seeing someone.

I have a feeling he’ll be cool with it.

I have a feeling that the boy will not be cool with it.

Last night, while the boy was doing my laundry (it’s the least he could do, that’s what I keep telling myself. After all, he doesn’t eat pussy nearly as often as he should) he found an empty condom wrapper in my pocket. He just handed it to me, speechlessly. I could sense a definite restraint in his electrical aura, a lessening of charge. He was clearly trying to keep his thoughts to himself, and honestly, I don’t know what those thoughts were.

But the truth is, honestly, they don’t want to know.

This reminds me, I have several emails to respond to, including one from the man who said these wise words, and one that is not a response.

I started scrolling back, and lost the momentum that I was building. My coffee is almost done and I don’t know if I can rekindle anything, but I might as well try.

It costs absolutely zero dollars

Repetition is part of who I am, and everything I do. I guess I intrinsically know that no one is going to listen to me the first time, or the second time, but after all is said and done – no one can tell me I didn’t tell them so. Not even myself.

Last night I told the boy that I needed him. Not directly, I don’t know why not, but as we were drifting off to sleep, curled up with his delicious warmth.

I feel (I, I don’t care) like I want him more than he wants me. Physically. It’s probably nothing personal, it doesn’t have to be personal. My last ex had a much lower libido that I do, I guess that’s why I’ve given up even attempting monogamy. I am a ravenous beast, and I know it. But I do want to feel wanted.

My side dude wants me, but I don’t want him.

I’m still going to call him right now, I owe him that. And yeah, I’m probably going to fuck him.

I wanted to delete that, but I’m not going to.

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