Ladies and Gentlemen We are Floating in Space

I’m likely to be interrupted today, as a matter of fact I should have been already. I answered a text from my work phone, and a few emails from a hustle account.

Interrupted already… and it looks like again tomorrow. I’d go back to sleep but I already brewed coffee. I didn’t sleep well last night – I went to bed earlier than usual, and didn’t get to take melatonin, not enough time – so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it through the day without a nap. Worse things have happened.

Let’s see what happens.

I have an urge to check things, to stray from here. It’s not a bad thing, but I believe I have found, over the course of the year that I have been here, that it’s worth it to stick it out.

Still, there’s a lot to do around here… and I believe I have found, as evidenced by the fact that this blog gets only a handful of visitors a day, unlikely to be human… that I can talk about those things here. I’m thinking of keywords to put in here to distinguish this page for better SEO, but that’s my old thinking, writing for an audience, bleeding through.

Thinking of what’s interesting right now… not much, between today and yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow.

I have some things that I have to sell on craigslist, some bills I have to pay… some credit cards I have to apply for before this year’s taxes and that lawsuit come due, and a whole bunch of paperwork to gather for the aforementioned court date.

My ex says that he hasn’t been home. Whatever bullshit he spouts, I know he’s just running from the sheriff. I haven’t been answering my lawyers emails either, but I guess that’s why I hired her. To do all this in such a manner that I can no longer run from it either. I don’t think I’d have the heart to do it otherwise. He was my whole life, ending this feels as impossible as trying to decapitate myself. It’s suicide. I wonder if he feels the same way, or if he’s just being an asshole, yet again.

How is this coffee cold? It’s been like 2 minutes.

One thing I also enjoy about this habit (I just had a spread of warmth at the bottom of my throat, kind of like taking a sip of hot coffee, referring to this as a habit – I like that) because I listen to music, not the news, first thing in the morning. It’s relaxing, it sets the tone for the day, I feel more exploratory.

I wonder which is worse, going deaf or going blind. I don’t have to ask that. But thank God I’m only partially either.

There’s something strange about life, at least my life, but most likely everyone’s if they only stop to think (maybe some people don’t) – over the course of time, as the events of the world unfold, we get to better understand each other’s perspective. There are so many things that I never thought I’d understand – what it’s like to go blind, a spinal migraine, selling a house at a loss just to cut loose from a loveless marriage, sleeping with someone you’re not attracted to just because it seems expected – that now, less than halfway through my life, I understand all too well. And I have memories of watching other people going through them before me, and I thought I understood their situation, but I didn’t. Because now I do, or maybe I still don’t.

I remember when I first broke up with my ex, the first time. He was devastated, and I know what that feels like. When everything hurts so bad, so bad, and the only person who can help is the same person who is hurting you. I wonder if I ever told him that I understand what that’s like, because I really, really do. And if he doesn’t know that I understand, I can understand why he still hates me.

How could I not know? I loved him. Does he not believe that I loved him?

Crying is a good thing. Which reminds me, I have to call my eye doctor today. Again. I feel like I’m more likely to be in an emotional state when there is something wrong with my eyes, or allergies, or something like that. I think it’s just my brain forcing me to clean out my eyes. Which is fine, but I wish I didn’t artificially start fights with the boy or whatever just to clean out my eyes… there was probably nothing wrong with *his* eyes after all, that’s not fair.

I kind of regret refilling my coffee early to warm it up… regret is way too strong a word. I only have a double fistful of regrets in my life, so far. I remember when I was 23 or so, and I had less than 10. I believe that number has grown not because I’ve done more bad things, but because I have learned to regret more of the things that I had already done. I can feel myself taking more sips, bigger sips… I feel like I’m done here. I barely even got in here.

I can see that I tried.

Make this a great day.

My Father, Me, and now my fucking ex because I am clearly the best thing that ever happened to him to the point where he stole even my fucking signature line. What a douchebag.

Honestly I think that I’m the best thing to ever happen to a lot of people, but they don’t realize it until I’m gone. I certainly do make one hell of a story, just like everyone else in my family.

Except my side dude, who always says that I’m the best person.

If I’m the best person that you’ve ever met, then you deserve to meet better people.

Me to my side dude.

I feel bad, I don’t think we’re going to get to hang out this week.

I’m glad I hung on until the end, I love this song.

I can certainly understand how it feels to not believe that someone loves you.

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