I have tremendous anxiety today, and I’m not sure why.

I said I’m not sure why, but there are many reasons why. I am running from a few things, quite a few things, that I have to do. My morning sleep was interrupted by several phone calls, I have answered none of them. there are a few phone calls I have to make, but I haven’t checked to see which ones I’m actually returning now.

As always, or at least as per usual, I’m not sure what the point of writing here is. I’m looking around the page, not sure if I should just skip to other maintenance tasks instead and call it a day.

My mind wanders to the boy – I have to talk to him. I’ll let it stay, reluctantly.

I spoke to my Father last night on the joy of being alone, and single. I said I was happy. He corrected me and instead deemed it “content”. It’s true. Alone, there is not the happiness that I would find if there were another person on hand to joke with in between getting things done. It doesn’t occur to me to treat myself as well as I do another person, and so there are significantly less extravagant events, vacations, gifts, all that.

One side effect is that I save a bunch of money.

My phone just rang again – a call from Scam likely. Although, there are a number of bills that I haven’t paid. Why though? I have the money.

My mind always jumps back to trivial, narrative things when I’m shaken or confronted with a question that I can’t answer to myself. Should I let that happen? Should I put in the fact (I struggled to call it a fact, but it is) that I spent yesterday fucking two separate men before I got home and took a call from my Father?

Trivial, narrative events.

Back to the boy – I plan to lie to him, in the strangest way, to get out of this weekend. Valentine’s Day. I will first ask permission to lie. If he denies that, I will lie to my boyfriend.

My heart feels strange, split, just like my vision. Which one will I hurt, which one would actually be hurt? I have a feeling neither. If so, I’m sorry. Not quite sorry, but confused. I don’t believe that either of them actually love me, or I would behave differently.

My mind goes to my ex. Did he ever actually love me? Why do I care?

If I believed that they loved me, I would behave different, or at least I’d like to, and can allow myself to, feel different.

I stopped writing.

I lied to my father, and said that I was happy being alone. The lie was not that I was happy, though there is that, but that I was alone. I know he knows when I lie, but he forgives me because it’s obviously for the purpose of making a point. For the point of the conversation, I was alone, and still am. No one else lives here.

I put myself first making sure to give my interpersonal relationships the respect and attention that they deserve. These relationships improve not only me, but those around me.

I felt it was necessary to say this to myself right now, and yes, I did say it allowed. My first spoken words of the day.

There’s a lot in there.

Today, I look at the part where I put myself first. Do I? I have not. I literally let myself go blind for my boyfriend, and tried to ignore it so that I could take the boy out to vacation. I rip myself in two to satisfy two men, neither of whom love me. I used to feel this way about my clients, but instead I’m stuck doing this for free. What the fuck.

I remember vaguely an entry here where I wondered when (not if) I would begin to feel this way about the boy. And I vaguely wonder when I did.

Because (forced flow preposition) this is not a new feeling.

I feel like I want a relationship that I don’t have to work so hard for. I spoke about that with my father last night, being the performative partner is exhausting.

But does he eat pussy?

My first client yesterday, when I told him that I was trying to be in a relationship. Several of my clients have met my boyfriend, but they do not know he is my boyfriend. They just wonder why he is there, and always assume that he is attached to one of the other girls in our profession. Never me… I can’t say that I mind but I do wonder if there’s something in there that I should pay attention to.

He was referring to the boy, and no, he doesn’t. What the actual fuck am I doing and why do I care. I don’t feel that needs a question mark.

The above passage is confusing and I’m not going back to fix it. My actual boyfriend eats pussy so well. He’s becoming a little self absorbed, but his life is truly stressful and he’s entitled to a little indulgence from me.

So frustrated. Enough about them. There are phone calls that I have to answer, none of which either of them would care about. Bills, doctors, lawyers… they are not helping with any of that. At least my clients give me money to handle it. I have to figure out how to physically pay bills.

Several deep breaths. There is coffee left, but I should probably figure some stuff out. There’s still time in the business day.

I scrolled back (preemptively written), to contemplate the next spike in my affirmation. There are other affirmations, that do not deal with others, that I should probably pay more attention to.

These relationships improve not only me, but those around me.

Do they? If so, how?

Let me just say that I do not fucking feel improved. I don’t know when all of the times I spent with boyfriend stopped being exciting and started being a time drain, and it occurs to me that the boy has probably began to feel the same way about me… he probably doesn’t care about fancy hotel rooms and wild vacations, and michellin stars.

At least with my boyfriend, I was able to tell him that I didn’t need so many Broadway tickets because I’d rather just stay home and fuck him. The boy… I would rather stay home and fuck him, although that is significantly less true, but more importantly his libido is much lower so we’d just end up sitting home and talking about his job and whatever bullshit email exchange he’s wrapped up in. He doesn’t even code.

He constantly complains that he doesn’t think therapy is working for him.

Does he just talk to his therapist about work?