Midnight Crows

I guess there’s no reason to do anything else but dive right in here.

The boy and I are not breaking up. However, I feel terrible that I can’t truly commit to him, not with my whole other boyfriend. I’m kind of over feeling guilty, though. At least for a while.

I just can’t really understand why I bother with him, and vice versa, aside from the fact that men always bother with me. I wonder how long that will continue being the case.

I’ve been highly critical of my friends, I am a highly critical person. I believe I may have seen one of my friends asking this question of themselves this past year, even though to me it looks like she’s just a horrible and irrational slut. I think she wants to sleep with my boyfriend, just simply because I found a man that’s better than any of the ones she raked in.

Joke’s on her, he’s still awful. It’s just that everyone else is worse.

When I wake up in the morning, I have so much more to say than this usually ends up being. I’m not sure what damage gets done during coffee, but I think I know, and all those empty, pure thoughts get filled and filed away as footnotes underneath random bullets of my to-do list. In theory it’s a good thing – I think that’s what my brain is supposed to do – but I feel like I might have chosen to put them to a different use if I were able to decide consciously.

I feel like I’m zipping through writing today – my coffee is still fairly hot.

So far, there is one thing on my to-do list – I try not to look at the actual list until I’m done here, but I did open up my personal email to see a few things in it – and it is to find out what kind and color of flowers to plant in the gold planter that I will bring inside my house to wash when I refill my coffee, and later on today, most likely after I finish my second cup, I will go out to the graveyard and fill it with dirt.

I’m pretty much over constantly checking everything on these pages to make sure it’s not identifying. First off, there is no traffic here, so the odds of anyone ever seeing anything that is relevant to them is very very low. Second, with people being as they are, there is an even smaller chance among those odds that they will recognize anything here that is relevant to them. Third… I’m 99.8% sure that nothing about me is a relevant to anyone.

Several sentence fragments fluttered through my head as I tried to start this paragraph – really I was just looking for an entrance into how to talk about the resolution that the boy and I had to the last fight. <=== I guess that’s it, and it’s as good as it needs to be.

What I’m really looking to understand is why I want an entrance to talk about it, and why it matters to me. He had asked me pretty much the same thing, directly. I’m beginning to feel like I’m letting him down in that department… but really it’s for the best.

What is wrong with my brain. This does not need a question mark because I’m not going to answer it.

All problem are interpersonal relationship problems

Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, The Courage to Be Disliked

Perhaps it’s a signal to myself (positive reframing) that I know myself well enough that there’s no need for me to go over all that again, and it only looks interesting when there’s some (I typed and erased several synonyms for new, as there is really nothing new here) sort of outside influence to push things out of their normal pattern.

Am I hiding from myself? Am I testing myself? Am I forging myself? Am I creating myself?

If I am creating myself, who would I want to be?

I think I have to spend a little more time on that answer.

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