Anxiety Meet Fear

Yesterday was intense. I suppose it’s all cool.

And I guess I don’t have that job after all. It’s weird, I didn’t need a job financially, but I need a job.

I didn’t take melatonin last night, I took something else. I’m not sure what is going on in my brain right now, but it’s fine.

I experienced intense anxiety, almost fear… it would have been fear, if I did anything about it at all besides just go to sleep. But it got me thinking, is this all worth it? Every minute I’m afraid of this going wrong, like’s it’s gone wrong before. Doubting every person in my life, wondering if they’re going to be the reason that all this goes down.

And unable to stop, unable to embrace a life of normalcy because that would also be a life of poverty.

I’m slow today, but that’s ok.

I watch myself think, but am still unable to control what I’m thinking. Most of my thoughts are unremarkable, boring even. And definitely not worthy of a mind such as mine, or anyone’s. So why does my mind go there?

The boy, for instance. For the whole instance, why am I even thinking of him? He texted last night after I decided that phones were not something I should do. It was perfect timing, as always. I had just gotten in my latest test results, and he said something unusually touching about wondering when we could see each other, and there were even crows at midnight.

And I was so high I didn’t even want to move.

I still haven’t looked at my test, but I will once I’m done here. Last night I had such anxiety when I saw the email come in, I couldn’t even figure out my password and didn’t want to be locked out.

I lost my job because I got a poorly timed phone call at work – It was the lab calling with my (then negative) test results. And I was fired because my ringer wasn’t off. <=== No wonder Corona cases are on the rise. Do normal people actually put up with this stuff?

That last question horrifies me. There are some things I can never say, not even here. However, I have been alive long enough that I can say that I have thoroughly alienated myself, and been alienated by, normal society to the point where I can not even understand how people have managed to swallow the giant pile of shit that is the world as it runs now. Killing themselves for money, and judging each other’s struggle. Deciding which decisions are good ones, and bad ones, when we’re all just desperate to survive here, and for no other reason, running from no other beast, than this manufactured idea of poverty.

My thoughts wandered to wondering about the other people in my apartment complex, which I’m learning is not all that awesome. How are they surviving? Are they working demeaning jobs that value image over actual human life, are they down to the last dollar at the end of the month, struggling to shave $20 off of their expenses, asking random friends for money, like my town friends have asked me? How do we as a society feel about making people go through that?

How am I back exactly where I was last year, with a random date scheduled for this afternoon, in a few hours, while I’m still not through a single cup of coffee? I used the small cup today, too.

Why stay in prison when the door is wide open?

The inside of the label… good packaging.

I started thinking about my Brother. I love him so much, he means the world to me. Ethics are so complicated… I feel like I’m doing the right thing for him, and I can imagine that he felt the same way. I feel like I should put this topic away, even though there is much I can say.

I wonder if I pick up all these trivialities simply so that there’s still something to say once I decide to put the difficult topics away. Probably. That’s probably exactly it.

Last night, speaking of trivialities, I realized exactly how pathetic the story of the boy and I would be, compared to that of me and my ex.

I don’t think you could even tell me, even say, that you wouldn’t do theater anymore.

My academic friend last night. He’s absolutely right.

This post is shallow today, but I can tell it’s just a cover. I feel like in my mind, behind this, is a powerful discourse. One that I’m not sure that I’ll be able to dress up and cover before my date in 3 hours.

Suddenly, all that anxiety is back.

I should at least check out my test results. Plot twist, they’re not in yet.

I see my ex tomorrow. I wonder if he’ll be able to tell that I’m half blind. I had a serious amount of anxiety about that last night.

I obviously still love him but I don’t know what to do about that, if I should do anything about it, or just go back to sleep.

Anxiety is the manifestation of the fears that we do nothing about.

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