i had to brace my wrist today, it hurt. I remember it hurting me last night when I fell asleep, and for a while. I hope I didn’t wait too long to brace it.

My first thought that caused me to write this was the question as to whether or not the brace would slow down my typing (yes, it does a little bit but it’s fine) and I wonder what that means. Still, even here writing for no one, I’m still more concerned with my productivity than my physical wellbeing.

I have a lot of thoughts these days, none of them profound. Last night, or yesterday or whatever, I had a long conversation with my academic friend (who needs a better moniker than that) about so many things.

Rarely have I had someone take an interest in me like he does. Of course, human as I am, I did look him over for attractiveness, and found that he is not a suitable match for me. I think we’re genuinely just friends, and that’s cool. I could use more of those.

My best friend called today, just a few minutes ago. I didn’t answer. I paused for a long time… I’ll call her back. I have a nagging feeling in my chest, like a fine thread attached, not tied around, attached in the way the strings of a spaghetti squash are pulled out from inside the melon walls, to the inside of my collarbones, pulling in towards my spine. While we were pretty wild back in the day, she settled all the way down and is now married with kids. What on earth will we have in common now? Hopefully something, hopefully nothing. We’ll see.

I can feel, as I flutter through meaningless topics lightly, reiterating what I already know for absolutely no audience, that there is something I don’t want to say, and have buried so deeply that even I can’t find it.

Last night, I was talking to my academic friend and he told me this exercise was not working, as I still had so much thought that I was hiding from myself, clearly. How is it so clear to him, and hidden from me? Especially when I have tried so hard, hours upon hours with this and everything else, to bring my unconscious thoughts into my conscious awareness.

It occurs to me that the song playing now is one of my best friend’s favorites, or at least it was when I last saw her. I paused and listened to lyrics a little bit – it was never anywhere near my favorite song and I actually don’t like it at all. I never got around to calling my other friend.

My Haitian friend is coming over tonight (I decided this needed its own paragraphs – besides my coffee is almost over so who knows where this is going to go – I used the big cup today, but it feels like it went faster for some reason) and I’m a little nervous. Perfectly flat and clear, I think she’s a crackhead now. Like literally smoking crack. Plus, I have on good authority from my Bermudan friend (who I will call while she is here, actually texting rn) that she has been talking shit about me, plus I do know that she has been trying to undercut me in business in ways that there’s no point in explaining. She has been horrible to me in the past. I don’t know why, but I’m also not sure why I’m letting her over my house to try again.

One time, when we were in Philly, I believe she stole from me. A friend we both share tried to stop her, but in that moment he made me aware of where his loyalties truly lie, and they are not even with his morals. Fucking Sagittarius, just like my ex. All blame and no accountability, monsters.

I actually have a few phone calls today that must be made within business hours, so let me finish up and finish caffeinating.