I realized today the risk of having a cigarette before coming here. I went outside (I will never smoke inside, it feels like is defeats the purpose of going outside – that is the purpose, I should just go without smoking) and my neighbor was there. After a few minutes of talking, the first words that I said were not my affirmation, but trivial small talk about the weather.

Good New Englanders always talk bout the weather. When I was in California, people would look at you like you had 3 heads if you talk about the weather. The weather is always perfect, after the first few hundred days I’m sure everyone got tired of talking about how great everything is.

Since I don’t want to tell anyone else, I think I can/should say something here. I have an interview this week. with a company that I really do admire, though I have to research them more.

It occurs to me that with my life, with my actual job (I don’t often refer to it as a job, maybe I do – in my mind it doesn’t feel like a job so much as work, but I have treated it well in my opinion) makes it so that I’m not desperate to go to work.

I have more than enough money to pursue my goals and desires.

Another affirmation that I should be saying more frequently. I played with the verbiage right now, maybe it should say pursue my goals and satisfy my desires. However, I know that’s not right. That would indicate that my desires are money, and that is never true, not of the desires I can satisfy. Even when I use money to buy things, it’s not the money that I want. But in actuality, it is. There is will never be enough money when money itself is what one desires. And yes, I actually do desire money. This affirmation is more to reduce the stress of the pursuit, to make it clear that I’m amassing money because I want to, not for fear of outrunning poverty. I needed something to keep me going after there’s nothing to run from.

I’m lucky. I don’t have to hunt a job, I can look, find companies that align themselves with my interest (I wish there were more) and hunt for an opening in their ranks, waiting, cold calling, forcing my way through like an invasive plant. I’ve been badgering this company for a year now. Finally, I pressed until they’ve given me an interview.

I hate to say it… I’m probably not going to get the job. But I am going to try. If they don’t like me, it’s fine, I’m on schedule to make almost 3 times my rent this week, and I haven’t even gotten to the bank to deposit last week’s money.

I have to get the vaccine… I never get a flu shot, but I really should as people are in my space (there was a long pause) a lot, and I feel like I’m the only one who hasn’t.

However, I have a bad feeling about it… I will talk about that now. I have learned over the course of time to trust my gut (which is why I didn’t tell anyone, not even my Father, about this interview, I don’t think it will amount to anything, though I should because even if it doesn’t amount to anything, he should still be supportive of the way in which I wrangled my way into an interview with a company that is not even actually hiring and into a position that is way above my head. I wonder what I will tell them), and my gut says that some of these side effects, which are deemed negligible at this point, will show up in rising numbers as the longitudinal data comes in. It makes sense. One can’t use the past to predict the future, we can only narrow down possibilities of incident outcomes.

However, there are so many howevers. I don’t want to be a risk to my family, my friends, or those around me.

I should talk to my academic friend about this. I should talk to him generally. I don’t know if I will have time today, mainly because it is my last day off before I dive headfirst into the meat grinder again. <=== I’m noticing a pattern where I am hating my work. This is an affectation, I don’t. I actually like it, and am grateful that others like what I do enough to support me in a life where I can do what I want.

I just remembered that I owe an excellent man a very sincere thank you. To be honest, I haven’t cum like that in a long time… I know it’s mostly in my head and it always is, and he probably does do. As a matter of fact, I remember one of my first heaux friends, who I really have to find (and I have an inkling of where to find her) said something similar… cumming startlingly hard on a stranger’s dick, while she was married to an amazing man with a (certified) super dick.

I only actually hate one of the men that I’m seeing this week.

This post is the same as most of my others, but in clear language.

I’m apprehensive about that, this last song reminds me of when I was arrested.