Monsters Under the Bed


Why did I sleep all the way to 4 today.

I feel like I’m losing control of my whole life again. It’s summer, there are things I should be doing, both for work and for pleasure. Everything is easier to do in the summer… sleep as well apparently.

I feel somewhat better coming here to write than to sleepily try to chase what’s left of things to do today. It stresses me out to try and handle things while my thoughts are still cloudy. Still, I can’t help but feel my shoulders tense up while I watch even more time disappear from me. I need to find a chiropractor, but apparently I’m not doing that today either.

I wonder what it is that I need, and need to do, in order to get things back on track here? What is the bare minimum, what would be first?

Last night I dreamed that I lost my phone, met Tom Brady, was graduating from my first college, moved down to new york (actually a dream version of Long Island that I have dreamed of before), moved back, broke up with my last boyfriend on the LIRR, basically my whole adult life in a jumble. And My ex didn’t appear at all.

So, it wasn’t a nightmare.

At least there’s that.

I have so much shit to do today, it’s distracting. I missed a call from my lawyer, intentionally I do believe. There’s a lot of stuff I have to do there, and that should be my absolute priority for the day, fuck everything else. I haven’t updated y to do list, obviously out of fear, in days if not a week.

Actually, I was discussing with one of my Island girls going down to Florida before I went to bed last night, so dreaming of Tom Brady makes sense. He gave me a huge signed poster and spelled my name wrong.

I’ve decided that the point of my being here today is just to orient myself and clear my head for the day. I may not even come back on the second cup of coffee, as a matter of fact I just stood up.

Why do I always insist on hitting rock bottom before I pick myself back up?

Oh well, here we go.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Anna says:

    It just now occurs to me that this was my anniversary with my last ex, June 9th.

    And here I am ready to collect another ex.

    People really do this?

    I’m just going through the logs, as he put it. How does it sound so clinical… is that my mind, or what he thinks of my mind here?

    I feel so bad for all of my exes, but then again, what good did they ever do me in the end.

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