Keeper

Last night I had some dreams. I’m not sure where I was in them, though I’m fairly sure it was somehow supposed to be an allusion to the place I’m living now.

Thinking of it, I have a few things I have to get together for this place – just paperwork, it’s been complicated. Suddenly it gets scary – this is now my only place. I sold my house, I have no place to go back to. While it had to be done, so badly, there’s still a feeling of free falling as well as freedom once I’ve cut the cord.

I took a nice long pause right there.

This exercise, today, and perhaps yesterday, is beginning to frustrate me a little bit. There’s never quite enough time to get into anything, but still it’s too big a chunk of time to take away from everything else, especially when there’s a lot of everything else. It’s giving me anxiety, the hot, slim sword pressed dangerously hard in the space between my sternum and my heart.

Oh, I signed up with a chiropractor. Hopefully that helps, he’s definitely not the least expensive chiropractor in town. We’ll see how it goes. If he fixes my foot, then he’s a keeper.

Speaking of keeper… I was going to go into a dialogue about a man or whatever other man, when I remember there were dreams about that.

I was in an apartment, I don’t think it’s one I’ve actually ever lived in, though the wood paneling reminds me of an apartment that my ex and I briefly had. Only it was on the first floor, it was much larger (a 2 bedroom), and the man that was in there with me was not my ex

As a matter of fact, he looked like one of the guys that the beached whale (how did that become my moniker for her) dated for a minute, who I never really met, but unsurprisingly was a total loser. Mouse brown hair, thin, the ordinary look of the young NH hick1.

I don’t remember what we were doing there, but apparently we were getting ready for something, maybe moving? I remember being in the bedroom, with the mattress on the floor as it had been when I lived with my ex, working on a laptop. He (it was my understanding that he was my boyfriend) walked by to say something, looking down at me from the doorway. I was in the middle of something, and he was thoroughly not understanding, regarding the computer with the same degree of disinterested mysticism that a dog would (Oh, so you’re busy tapping your fingers against the light box again?), and I could feel that he walked away somewhat insulted by my rebuff.

I could also feel that I loved him. I abandoned my task and went out to the dining room to talk to him2.

He was sitting on the dining room table, its wood annoyingly the same color as the walls. I walked up close to him between his knees, and told him some things that I can barely remember. About how I loved him, that I could tell he was trying, and that we were definitely going to make it.

At that time I was on my way out to smoke, and I reached right next to him, while talking to him, and pulled out a pack of Marlborough Reds (it’s been so long since I smoked one), selected a cigarette, knowing that he did not smoke. He looked disappointed, but trying not to be.

Somewhere in the dream someone was making chicken, and I want some now3.

1. Which, as I have said before, is completely different than the hicks of other states. 2. I haven’t had a formal dining room since the apartment I had before I bought my house (I had to come up with a way to say that without naming the town or year, I realize that there have been so many apartments. 3. Both my ex and I were undeniably great cooks. I don’t know who was making what kind of chicken, but I miss all of it.

There were a few other things, apartment negotiations in various towns, I remember many good buildings…

Of course the dream when on. I’m pretty much done my coffee and not sure how much further that I can get into things, but I’m beginning to realize that my hesitancy is really what’s holding me back, and sucking up all of my time.

There, today wasn’t pointless after all.

In the second half of my dreams, I had a different, but even more horrible boyfriend.

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