Fortune Cookies

I woke up exactly on time today, and said my daily affirmation, though my heart wasn’t truly in it.

I was supposed to go fuck someone else today, someone I’ve fucked before… but cheating on the boy isn’t as rewarding as it could be. I’m not getting paid for this, I’m not doing it. I haven’t checked Hinge, other than to open it, look at it and close it, in weeks.

I’m using the I pronoun, and I’m appearing defensive. I love the boy, we’re building a life together. <=== I looked away, and looked back at this, and now I don’t remember writing this, I do not recognize it.

The best defense is a good offense.

The boy to me last night, but where did he get that from?

Unfortunately, he’s highly problematic. And I don’t feel like having problems, not right now, and not ever. But I am going to begin to speak honestly here – that was the point of all this, I will be honest right now.

This playlist sucks.

I’m a little scared to face mortality, and face it alone. My ex and I were on the same track, our lives made sense together. It was quite a normal thing to do, to meet, get married, maybe a kid or too, and die. He was was a terrible person and that would have been a miserable life. I feel like I’m headed into the same despair with the boy. He’s better than my ex, despite my lying to him (it was an utter lie, I am ashamed) during our last fight this weekend (why is it always fighting) and told him that he’s not. But in many ways, he’s not.

I’m an explainer, but I’m not a complainer.

Me to the boy, in a similarly silly contrived conversation.

And so I’m trying not to just devolve into complaining, about the boy and everything that’s wrong with him, there is so much. However I do want to dive right in attack myself. Why am I doing this? Why am I working so hard to keep this man happy, when he clearly does not care about doing the same for me?

I’d love to say that things are beyond the physical, that I’m considering us as higher beings, that it’s not all just about sex, and whatever people say when they actually suck in bed. But it’s not.

Fundamentally, I’m sick of him being so selfish all the time. In bed. And I don’t know how to talk about it with him, which is really the problem. It’s a problem with me, and it’s a problem with him. I feel like he’s so insecure, remarkably inexperienced for his age, that anything that I say to him is just going to shatter what little confidence he has and he’s going to be even worse. I also feel like maybe, if I were to point that finger back toward me, that I’m having a hard time explaining myself, because I want everything to flow naturally, I want to be understood. <=== My ex said something like that to me once and it utterly pissed me off. It was just another reason for him not to have sex with me, I hope that man burns in hell and now I’m even more ashamed that I let that lie (it was a generalization, but the intent behind it was a lie) go in the fight last night. It was unforgiveable.

As a matter of fact, I feel like the whole relationship with the boy has gone off track, and I have become a false self. My nonexistent coping mechanisms include burning everything down, telling him that I hate him, and going off to fuck a random man within 36 hours. Actually, I did that last night, I was just going to do it again today to make sure since yesterday it was technically work and scheduled before it would have been retaliation.

However, I bailed on the booty call today because passive aggression never solves anything, and it utterly unsatisfying when it comes to the boy. Because my anger really isn’t about me, it’s clearly about him, and if he doesn’t know it there’s no point in doing it. Furthermore, I don’t want to hurt him, I guess I am serious about him, so the petty games I play with petty people are no longer fun with him. <=== I do wonder if he feels the same way about me, though. I’m still looking for signs of life here, in regards to his higher consciousness. He’s less shallow than my last ex, I’ll give him that… he’s not better than my ex in this regard, at least not from where I stand.

It just occurs to me that maybe if I assemble enough exes I can actually have a reasonable dataset to examine. n2 is not really a basis for impressive findings.

Your robot therapist clearly sucks

The boy during our last fight, I wish I had never told him about any of this, and I guess that’s the point here. Always on the last sip, lately.

If I tell him anything, it just becomes fuel for another fight and frankly, that’s not leading to any sexual confessions from me.

I feel like I’m being used.

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