The Breakup Song

Still listening to Blank Space… is this my new breakup song? I have so many breakups that I get a song? I don’t know, it kind of feels good. I can’t believe I missed out on all this earlier in my life when I was with the ex.

My spirit just lifted in a way that it hasn’t in a long time, and rarely does. I’m happy that I’m enjoying the trivialities of being human… I’m barely writing, just enjoying this feeling. Anyway. I’ll enjoy it later, although today might be a good day.

I have to work today, but it doesn’t feel like it. It’s the kind of work that I can ignore for just a little bit until I show up… and I only have to hate it for 3 hours. Of course it isn’t always like that, last week I loved it. Less and less these days, as I suppose my skills in faking orgasms have paid off and only the guys who I have to fake it for stay, so glad that they’ve finally found someone they “click” with, and no one else but me will do for them from that point over. Whereas the good guys, used to getting positive feedback from every woman, aren’t thrilled with my response and instead go on elsewhere.

I’m in a good mood and I kind of want to click away to work on other things, but it’s important that I feed this habit in the positive direction as well, and not just fill this page with sad girl writing.

Why is happiness so boring to hear about?

I did have dreams last night, so let’s start there… One part, I’m not sure how it happened, but my pet bird had a very bad infection on her but and I kept applying antibiotic ointment… it didn’t seem to help and I felt terrible about it.

There are some things that I don’t want to say, even here. But I do feel terrible for a variety of things. They say that psychopaths mellow out around 50… is it like an on/off switch or is a gradual lifting fog? Given the genetic makeup of my parents…

Wow, that was a long pause. I feel like I have a bubble rising in the viscosity of my stomach, and rising still. I will not let it ruin my mood. I will instead write to some grad schools about a clinical psych program… but I want to wait until I hear back about this job that I probably didn’t get, and that’s ok.

I clicked away rather than think further down that. I don’t like repressing things, I like to know what I have in my mind and where, and that’s why I write here. However, some things make me scared to think of, and then I wonder what else I have hidden in here that I don’t even know about, hiding behind the things that I see but am too afraid to move.

And I think of my brother.

And I’ll go on to my dreams.

I was looking at a house to buy, Although I’m not sure where it is. I believe it was supposed to be Lake Otis, but it seriously did not look like that. It was down the hill from the lake somehow, not a great place to put a house. But I wanted it.

I hadn’t made an official appointment, just a drive by.

I walked up the steep stairs – I think they were actually made of wooden chairs to the lake, and I believe there was a dirt road there between the house and the lake.

The more I think of it, the more I am just embarrassed that I was looking at a house in such a bad location. I have to move again, and I’m afraid. Maybe that’s what the dream was about.

I did find a place I was interested in looking at, but I need another person to look at it.

Oh, btw, my academic friend is also a Virgo, I knew that.

All of my friends are virgos.

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