My brain is so crowded I’m having a hard time even picking music.
Just like the boy, I’m inclined to talk about work here. There’s so much going on, and I’m not sure why it matters, as it looks like I’m going to be leaving. I feel guilty leaving my job, especially because I haven’t really done anything for them. I’m thinking it over, and yes I did… but I certainly am not the greatest. I kind of suck at this, honestly, although I should think better. I have a lot to learn.
The boy wants to hang out tonight. Honestly, I don’t really have time for him. There is a lot to do before I can go, and I’m getting a late start on top of it. I took melatonin last night. My phone is blowing up.
I have so many decisions in front of me. So many, some big some small, all layered around each other. Will I go see the boy tonight? If so, will I join his game league like he is practically begging me to do? How much can I trust him to know what’s right for me, or know what I like, or know me at all?
I think I have my answer there. Not at all. He does mean well, but he has not really gotten to know me. Have I gotten to know him? I feel like I have… I have tried, at least. Although somehow I think that he’s simple. And that is a clue that I might be wrong. No one really is that simple, are they? I would hate to be wrong.
My mind lingers on the subject of him, when really it should be about me. And then my mind drifts over to work. Why am I so worried about the deadline tonight, when I’ll be leaving in a month? And really, I’m just worried about getting my work done in time to go out with the boy. It’s stressing me out, and I don’t even really want to go. Do I even really want to see him? My horoscope yesterday said that my significant other was going to be wondering if he was more important to me than work, and that if he isn’t I should just be honest and tell him so. I should be honest with myself and tell myself that. Am I being honest with myself?
If this is meditation, then yes, it does work. I’m going to tell him that I have too much work. Then, I’m going to message my current boss and ask him when we can speak today. Then, I’m going to message the person who said they would help and didn’t and ask if they did anything, and then of course go do the work.
There are some other things that I have to fit in, and rather than just stare at my screen and think, I should do what this page is designed to do and write it out. My mind stills when my body is active, that’s why my workouts were my best thinking time. I really have to get back to that, and boost my neurotropic factors. It’s a serious matter.
I have a job offer to consider. The offer is good, for a job that I want, at least in title. The pay is less than I’m making now. I want to negotiate a higher pay, but what?
I think I want to learn to play the bongos, once I move out to a place remote enough so that no one will hear me practice.
Wander off, and circle back. Like hyenas circling prey, my thoughts scream, sometimes laughing, sometimes snarling, always moving, occasionally attacking. I’ll call my Father again today. Probably after I speak with my boss (I almost called him by his correct title, that would be too much, I’m not ready for that). The thought of having to rush through a phone call with my Father in order to go hang out with the boy. Yes, I might have fun, but it would be soured by guilt and resentment, as so much of our time is.
My horoscope said that my significant other might not be more important to me than work.
My question is – should they be?