Better than expected

I’m not expecting too much out of this session today… I woke up with the boy, ran an errand, skipped an errand, got home and made a few calls, and just finally 2 hours after I woke up, made more coffee and sat down here. I realized that I’m not quite ready, not quite gathered up enough, to get to work on my forever too long to do list, and so what’s the harm in coming here first?

I’ll find out, I’m sure.

This is the hard part, just hit send. I have to respond to the job offer that I got, I hope it will be well received, If not, no harm no foul, I make more money at my current job, and if I’m being honest, I don’t do anything at all.

I’m listening to some music that I haven’t heard in a while, and I’m surprised how much angry indie chicks resonate with me. I mean I don’t consider myself indie (wtf does that even mean) but… ok maybe not all of it does.

I’m already past the waking up phase, so I need to propel myself forward into the day, into tomorrow. I’ve already made some calls, I should make another, to the doctor. I went to my list, I already wrote it down. I never did it though… my to do list hasn’t been moving much lately. I have to get back into that habit. It used to be such an integral part of my life.

Suddenly my thoughts are blank, what does the future hold for me that I have to think through. Oh yes, those important emails. There’s nothing wrong with hitting send, and seeing what comes next. The other important email… my ex and I are inching, ever so slowly, toward an agreement. The good thing about this process taking so long is that it’s utterly outlasted my emotional attention span, and it no longer hurts to know that we’re ending everything. Everything. That word hits like a pebble, not into a puddle like it used to with all those ripples out to the edges of myself, but against pavement, or hard ground. It just hits. But I can take a deep breath and that feeling is over, aside from a slight headache around the sides of my skull.

I realize that it’s because I pinched my eyebrows together too hard at the thought, the bridge of my nose is tight as well. It’s over. Almost over.

I’ll read through his 45th counter offer, again, redlined and whatever, and most likely agree. I wonder how much this is going to cost.

My ex used to like 10000 maniacs (wow, that’s a lot of zeros), probably as a result of his older sister’s taste in music. Terrible taste in music. The boy was talking about how his older sister’s taste in music influenced him. I wonder how my Brother feels about this concept. I should call him. I miss him. One thing about the boy and I getting back together – I don’t have my weekends free for my Bro. It’s a deep regret, I should talk to the boy about it.

I just sent a text to my boss about work and now my brain is empty again.

I don’t feel as desexualized by this job as the last, I wonder if that’s going to be a problem with the next job. I think it helps me that I’m working for a man (don’t come at me with feminism right now, or do I guess) because I feel in control of my feminine power around men. Around women, I feel equal, around men, I feel superior. My current boss (not ready to disclose this one) is a man, and has hired nearly exclusively women obviously for his own reasons and most likely for this same reason that I want to work with men. Is there anything wrong with that? As long as it gets me where I need to be, there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’m lucky that I can pick the circumstance that suits me.

I do have to be careful though – not to oversexualize myself in my new job and give up my power too early. It’s an incremental thing. I can’t give it up too early… women have been dealing with this problem for, well, ever, and those frustrated because they can’t get the hang of it call the system unfair and want to do away with it. It is unfair, however, throwing it away will not miraculously install a fair one in its place, just like overthrowing the ruling class will not suddenly make everyone rich (wtf is Haiti doing, again). However, it is not on me to overthrow the system, I have to work with it. My prospective boss is clearly into me, I’m clearly into that. We have a lot of business trips coming up and I have to figure out where the lines are, and not to go over them.

That’s the kind of intrigue that keeps my mind on work, and why I think that I’ll be good at this job.

In my family (my coffee is nearing the end, why do I not capitalize Family?), which is full of very attractive people, most of which get better with age (I worry about my Father there, I will see him again soon), it is thoroughly acknowledged that sexuality is a part of everything human, as obvious as that is. And, it is expected that, with all inherent talents and skills, it should be honed and used to it’s maximum advantage. I feel bad for everyone who feels differently.

I feel bad for the boy… I will most likely be cheating on him this week.

I paused, thought about it… yeah, there’s no way that this isn’t cheating.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.