Obsession

I opened this site and saw a draft from the other day, what day? I guess I’ll never know now. I feel my shoulders rise up, collarbones climbing up into a V around my neck, and I realize that my computer posture is not good. I remember that I have to call that new chiropractor. I don’t know that he’ll be better than the other chiropractor, but they will be half the price. A lot of typos today, but I blame the keyboard, not my hands. But why do I still have this problem on the other computer?

Lately, I have been having a hard time remembering how old I am. In my mind, I skew older rather than younger, and I have to stop that. I have to get my mind in line, I used to be so good. I can be so good. My fingers froze, and I stared, and I clicked away.

I’m tired today. I realized while making coffee that I don’t put the effort into remembering dreams that I used to last year, and that I almost consciously let them slip away. Perhaps I like this narrative more than the dreams. I don’t know why that would be the case though.

The body does most of our thinking for us. My stomach, more accurately my intestines, is acting up today, and so my thoughts are scattered and uncomfortably grinding through the chocolate ice cream and all that salad that I ate last night.

Also, this playlist sucks.

I have some papers to sign from my lawyer. I can’t believe after all this that my ex would try to screw me yet again, in such petty, stupid ways. I no longer feel bad permanently scarring his face… ok, that’s a lie, but he is a prime example, yet again, of people becoming over time the type of people who deserve what they have previously gotten. He didn’t deserve it when I did it (or did he? I felt regret, but did he deserve it?), but I feel he deserves it now. It occurs to me that he’s the type of twisted person who would plan that out on purpose, somehow so that I wouldn’t have to feel bad… more likely so that he could feel that he’d gotten even.

As if fair is a thing that even exists.

Life isn’t fair.

My Father, as if these kinds of things need pointing out, much less proving, by him constantly through my life through his terrible actions, all the time. For some reason, my fingers faltered on My trying to capitalize it, and I remembered that I have some things I have to mail out for someone else.

God, this playlist is disappointing. That’s probably the main reason why this post sucks so much, I keep wanting to leave. I don’t know if I’ll stick it out to any of the songs I actually like.

Probably for the best, I’m still technically supposed to be working. Plus, I have a new job that I have to train for, and a replacement that I’m trying to hire. By my agreement, I was supposed to start work an hour ago, but as it’s virtual no one really knows. I don’t feel guilty because I stayed up until 4am last night working on their stuff anyway. Completely ignoring my own stuff, which I really can’t be doing…

My ex, the real one, really fucked me up. There are some things that I can blame on him, and some things I can’t, but as I try to schedule a time into my day to bring the final papers to my notary and for the last time let him siphon another $75 (exactly .01% of what he previously stole, ironically) from me, I realize how I have turned away from monitoring my money because I didn’t want to acknowledge how much he stole. It sickens me that I can be so blind.

Ask yourself, what exactly are you turning a blind eye to?

My Father, who I was so mad at when he treated my ex horribly. I found it to be disrespectful to me, to wrong someone that I had promised to keep safe. Marriage vows are supposed to be a thing, as is personal allegiance and loyalty. He disrespected my honor when he disrespected my ex. I wish he had just come right out and told me that he hated the guy, it would have gone over much better. I’m describing an intensely emotionally charged episode in my life, it shook me to the core and I am in no way yet over it nor will I ever be, and yet I am so distracted by this terrible music that I can not write.

I think this is my biggest coffee cup, the one that the boy gave me.

Oh, by the way I did not cheat on him. It was a weird night, and I was stricken with guilt in such an intense way that I have never felt before and I can probably just blame on drugs but I don’t know if I should.

I can’t say that I won’t cheat on him in the future though, and I won’t even promise myself not to sleep with the Norwegian that I was naked next to for a whole night while I imagined what the boy would say if he knew, almost ready to cry while this stranger just held me, and honestly was much nicer to me that the boy usually is

Aw man, I’m going to call him.

I have to go up there next weekend anyway.

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