The boy and I had a fight last night, what else is new.

I don’t know why he occupies so much of my mind – the books I’ve read point to me having an anxious attachment style. It’s true, I’m pretty anxious about everything else so I’m 0% surprised by this one.

The question is why though. Why do I care? Really, I don’t care why I care, I just wish I would stop caring. Because it’s pointless, this dude does not care about me at all. He can’t, he’s not a fully formed emotional being.

The question is why though. And why do I care? I don’t, really. I mean apparently I do, because we keep fighting, rather than me just going out to replace him. I know that I’d probably replace him with someone even worse, but at least that person wouldn’t have the knowledge that I know how incomplete they are, and they might even have the motivation to keep up their front of giving a shit for a little bit. <=== yeah, I think that’s the best I can hope for out of a person.

He should not be on the forefront of my mind today, I have a ton of work to do.

All the same things I say, all the same things and the same day. I’m actually getting a little worried about myself, in the same way that I was worried about myself the last time that I had a job (this current job, though I really should treat it like a job, does threaten to deaden me in the same way… but I have resisted. probably because, instead of work, I come here). I’ve turned down many exciting activities due to needing to concentrate harder on work. I feel my life fading into mediocrity. I’m not necessarily bothered, because mediocre is perfectly fine, but because it really didn’t have to be that way. Its so easy to be better.

Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good

My Uncle (I have multiple uncles but I automatically capitalized this one and I’m fine with that.) This quote was on my mind when I woke up this morning, probably because I have to go to work and do some good, yet imperfect work.

How is there still so much coffee left. I’m not sure what I should be talking about today.

And see, that’s the problem with what work is doing to me. Everything interesting about me will fade away, and then there will be nothing but coffee, complaints, and this man who doesn’t understand me, with nothing left about me to understand anyway.

Should I just let that happen? I mean it would be so easy, so much easier, just to sink back into silent screams for the rest of my life while I watch what life I had fall away, watch death come closer into view.

I have issues, I guess.

I’m having an issue getting motivated to write today, getting motivated to work, getting motivated to drink this lukewarm coffee.

It’s not just work. After the boy and I had our fight last night, I failed to masturbate and fell asleep instead. I slept very well, but now this feeling reminds me that maintenance masturbation is important. I fear getting older, what am I going to do when I’m unattractive and no one wants to fuck me? I remember my beached whale neighbor and see what that desperation looks like, grabbing everything available in hopes that something will stick past the time of such abundance.

It won’t, I know it. This boy is going to cheat on me. I’m going to cheat on him. I’m on the hunt for something better than he is, and he’s on the hunt for someone who thinks he’s better than what they have. <=== how pathetic. I can’t imagine having self esteem that low, but I guess that’s why confidence is sexy. Because insecurity is conversely disgusting.

There is the question though, why do I care? And why do I want something better? And, I see what I’m grabbing for maybe, what is better?

Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.

I’m seeing this in a new way now, of course after my coffee is already cold and I’m trying to find my way out of this. At least I didn’t cry today.

In retrospect, even though each of my exes (yay, I still get a thrill from this and I wonder if it will ever fade) had terrible problems. But were they insurmountable, as it was my initial impulse to write? Or am I just too quick to throw them away? I remember my ex, 15 years and more of bullshit, and no, I’m not quick to throw anyone away at all. 5 years with the last ex, what am I talking about. Quick for me, I guess. And I guess I barely know this boy.

I feel really dry today, I should shower. It’s also cold now. It’s wasteful to turn on the heat but I’m going to do it.

Finishing my coffee means that I have to go to work. Hanging onto it means that I have to stay here. Which is better?

Note to self – never skip masturbation. It’s just that important.

Am I going to be stuck living my life with a man who finds me unattractive? Am I going to be stuck living my life sleeping with strangers so that I can prove to myself that it’s not me that has the problem, and that maybe it’s not me that’s ugly? That’s my immediate impulse.

I should stay off of dating sites and just go back to work.

My last client said that he loved me. More times in one night than the boy has all week, maybe all month maybe ever.

And then who has the the fucking balls to ask me why I do this, actually he’s never asked why, but he’s never tried to be better either. He just creeps in and steals all of my time. Is he using me to prove to himself that he’s good enough?

Either way, any way, he can fuck all the way off.

I’m busy.

Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.

A mediocre life.

At least I have plenty of money, I dress well, people think I’m alright, and I have a boyfriend which is something that so many women want for some reason.

I remember suddenly that last night I was at a professional photoshoot for Tinder. like, Tinder was paying to advertise itself. Dating sites are so fake, I should just stick with what I have going on.

At least I get paid for my disappointments.