Shedding Skin


I wonder what’s going to happen. I’m gearing up for this, and it’s looking bigger and bigger.

I wonder if I have enough energy to maintain a relationship with the boy. Yes, I have this job, he has a job too. It’s all he ever talks about, it’s so annoying.

I was kind of annoyed that I had this song in my head when I woke up, but now, listening to it, I see that it fits perfectly.

The problem is, and it’s not a problem, not my problem anyway, that I have a desired life outside of work already. I’m talking about my clients, the work I used to do, and all those men I used to know. I’m planning a trip and could have a full schedule of dinner and dance partners for every night after I leave the office, my new office, in my new suit, but instead the boy would like my time and would like to travel with me for my trip.

Seriously, I know full well that the only reason I got this job is because the CEO wants to fuck me. I can’t be walking around with a whole boyfriend, especially not a good looking one like him.

Last work outing I went to with the boy, there was a very attractive Asian woman, a coworker of his who he addressed familiarly, with her diminutive douchebag looking boyfriend. Seeing him, easily a foot taller than her and her “man”… he was looking at her. And I could tell that he knew, or at least he thought he knew, that he could have her if he wanted her, if he hadn’t had her already.

Jealousy is not a feeling I enjoy. I feel as though I hid it well. I took a breath, and sat back.

Jealousy is not a feeling that I enjoy. I’m having a hard time getting past that thought.

And so I swing back, I’m sure the boy feels jealous as well. I don’t care about men and their jealousy, just as they don’t care about mine. However, I have justified mine, though I see that, from my endless scrolling on free dating apps, that that’s not all I’m in this for.

I remember when I was with my ex. I used to consider him my life partner, for ever. I never considered another relationship (except maybe once or twice) although I was not faithful in the traditional sense. I supported him completely on that income.

My extramarital affairs increase our net worth, while yours detract from it.

What I said to my ex, sitting around a wooden table in our old house in NH, over coffee. He didn’t say anything, because I’m right. I’m good at being right. But what if I were wrong, what if that statement had been wrong, what would I have said then? Probably something else tbh. I’ve never been good at monogamy. I don’t want to be.

Jealousy is a feeling that I do not enjoy.

So anyway, I’m feeling like there’s not enough time in my life to maintain both of my jobs (I will relent today and recognize that yes, I do get something extra from my extra credit <=== so weird it’s not just my whole job anymore) and this exceptionally needy relationship.

I just clicked away and scrolled something meaningless on my phone. There’s something that I have to do today that I don’t want to, but I think I will.

I’m finally going to give away my old clothes… maybe after another scroll.

Any sentence I can think of adding here is simply for sake of putting in a second one.

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