I’m late, as always, but it’s early. I didn’t wake up alone last night, all the times I woke up, or this morning. I’m exhausted.

I wonder if, yesterday, I referred to the boy by his actual name. I almost did today. Not that it matters.

Today, I realized that my house is an utter mess. I really have to clean it. It’s got to be done. It’s so bad that I don’t know where to start, but I’ll have to begin somewhere. Where? And when? There’s so much going on… there always is. I have a meeting in a little more than 90 minutes to discuss when I’m leaving again.

I have a vaguely hollow feeling, from eating too much sugar last night. I have to cook for today, but in order to do that I have to defrost the things I froze before the last time I had to leave here. And yes, I still have to think about leaving here, moving, generally.

In order for this to be an adequate meditation, I should not have just checked my work email and logged into our communication channels in order to appear active. I do wonder if I’m delivering the right amount of work. IT feels like I’m not doing enough, but that’s the nature of the beast I suppose. The guidelines are vague so that people remain uneasy, fear of falling behind becoming the motivation to move forward.

In order for this to be an appropriate meditation, I should not have just looked to see what the email that just came in was. My body does not feel good, I haven’t stretched fully in more than a week. I have to get better about this.

Is this what life is, just slowly falling apart and trying to put ourselves back together until we die? I mean I guess I’m not altogether dissatisfied – I’m still so happy to be home again, just unsure of when and how I can do the work to get things back to some sort of order around here.

There is a choice here, do I dig in, or do I just call this a wash and walk away? I’m not doing so good with introspection today. I have too much to do – and that means that I should stay here for longer.

You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes everyday – unless you’re too busy; then you should sit for an hour.

Dr. Sukhraj Dhillon

Or something like that.

I’m going to just bail and write my to do list – it can be done, and I’ve just been sitting here resisting the urge to do it.