Reaffirmation

The meeting that I came in early for is actually next week.

I love my job, but I worry that again, I’m disengaging from my physical form. I haven’t opened my other work email in almost a week, and the money that’s waiting for me there is badly needed… not because of the fear of poverty, but because I have goals that I want to reach. I just bought a car, I need to get that money back, and I know I can.

I have to get my priorities in line.

My first priority is of course my health. I have cut way down on smoking, as I don’t smoke in the company of the boy (he deserves a better moniker… but does he). He caught me smoking once, he said nothing about it, neither did I, and I never did it again. It was last weekend. I don’t smoke in my new car, for however long that lasts. I think I can keep up with it. Already the pressure is starting to build, and a craving looms around the corner. I can handle it.

Working out is a challenge though, with no gym, and my nights spent with the boy. I don’t want to switch to morning workouts though, I feel too stiff to really get the benefit out of it. Perhaps some morning stretches wouldn’t be too much, as long as I keep them gentle. I’ll try that.

I wonder if humans are breeding themselves out of the need for memory, with information being so readily available that we don’t need to hold on to it anymore. Googling the same thing 4 or 5 times a day is normal for me. Usually cocktail recipes.

I wonder about my ex, the most recent one. Should I tell him I’m going back to New York? Which reminds me, I have another email that I have to write to someone in New York today. And another one that I should write to someone else in New York today as well.

I remember when my liver failed, too much travel and not enough sleep. I’m headed that way again, if I don’t watch out. I promised myself that I’d work out at every hotel gym, but so far that has only happened twice. It’s a good habit, I should go with it. Although business trips with their after work happy hours don’t really jive with that.

My next priority is my money. I corresponded (I initially put down talked, but I don’t think we’ll ever do that again… sad, but I suppose it’s fine) with my ex, the actual one, the one who should be capitalized except he doesn’t deserve it (but does he? My anger has faded over time, but should it?) and he was prompt and polite. I’m closing the last of our joint accounts today, which has no money in it. It used to have so much money in it, he drained it like he drained everything, and in the end neither of us have anything to show for our time together. I killed all of our children. They would have been beautiful, but they might have been like him. That would have been terrible, but suppose they were good like him?

If I got pregnant this month, when I think I would have conceived (I got a nosebleed… a sign of shifting hormones, and around the time that I could have been ovulating, but I doubt it) then it was definitely the boy’s. My side dude has been calling, but I haven’t connected with him. I should, but I don’t want to. Hormones tell us what to do, whether we like it or not. I should love him, but I don’t. I know he loves me, he shouldn’t.

My next priority is money. I put a lot of work into my other life, and in turn it has given me life. I like the person I was there, and I do love the money. I deserve this bountiful harvest, but why am I walking away, if that’s what I want? <=== this is a question that desperately needs an answer, why don’t I have one and where can I get one? When will I have time to look? <=== that’s probably the problem.

I have to make time.

The I pronoun here is not overtly defensive – It’s me trying to muster the determination that I don’t need, but lies just beyond this pronoun. I need it, and I’m trying to get it. When it, my motivation is the focus, I will have it. I want to have it.

So let’s try it. Eliminate the I pronoun. It’s hard, but it might work. The motivation should be clear <=== eliminate conditional clarifiers. The motivation is clear, but it’s hollow, lacking meat. My motivation is money, this goal of mine, and then of course the ones that will follow once I hit that one. My motivation used to be, and still is, self actualization. It served me well, but now I’m trying to get that through another, lower paying, place. In effect, I feel like I’m ignoring a large part of myself.

But am I? <=== yes.

Last night, when the boy was trying to have sex with me, I realized something. I can never be satisfied with just him. I know it, and I know why. I just took a giant sip of my coffee, I don’t know if I have time for this today. I have to write some more emails.

I can never be satisfied with just him, he’s far too wrapped up in himself to truly have room for me. And that’s ok, actually no it’s not, but the truth is I don’t have time for him either. This exercise that I do in faking giving myself completely to a person, it’s unsustainable in a real relationship. It only works for me when someone gives me myself back after a few hours.

And this is why men, insecure men, can’t handle whores. They don’t want to give the woman back to herself at the end of the night. They are sore losers. He can’t have me, and he can’t handle me.

Self preservation, that is my number one priority. Self actualization.

And he’s in the way.

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