My meeting was cancelled for this morning, and my boss is technically out, so I can indulge in writing here… provided I keep my side eye open at my inbox at the other computer.

I just thought of some family that I have to contact. I hope that they are well.

Typing the song tags forces me to keep track of the music that I listen to. I’m glad that there’s such a wide range. As a matter of fact, let’s see what the tag cloud looks like now…

Alive With the Glory of Love – Say Anything Black Swan – Thom Yorke Bloodbuzz Ohio – The National Coco Blood – Celeste Common People Pulp Criminal – Fiona Apple Dashboard – Modest Mouse Dearly Departed – Shakey Graves Dont Look Back In Anger Oasis Dont Wanna See You Braxton Cook Every You Every Me – Placebo Face Down – Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Feel Good Drag – Anberlin Feel the Pain – Dinosaur Jr Futures – Jimmy Eat World Green Light – Lorde Hands on the Bible – Local H Hear Me Now – Framing Henley How Soon is Now – The Smiths Lazy Eye – Silversun Pickups Little Lion Man – Tonight Alive Los Ageless – St. Vincent Love Spreads – The Stone Roses Map of the Problematique – Muse Maps – Yeah Yeah Yeahs Muscle Museum – Muse No Light No Light Florence + The Machine Ohio is for Lovers – Hawthorne Heights On hold – The xx Paranoid Android – Radiohead Perfect Situation – Weezer Pretty Pimpin – Kurt Vile Pure Morning Placebo So Good at Being in Trouble – Unknown Mortal Orchestra Staring at the Sun – TV on the Radio The Diary of Jane – Breaking Benjamin The Killing Moon – Echo & The Bunnymen The View From The Afternoon Arctic Mokeys Thinking of You – Lord Echo This Mess Were In – PJ Harvey & Thom Yorke Under the Milky Way – The Church What Kind of Man – Florence + The Machine Where is My Mind – The Pixies Wolf Like Me – TV on the Radio Yellow – Coldplay

I don’t see anything in the cloud here that would appear on the channel I’m currently listening too… it would be interesting to click on some of these songs to see what they actually reference. A completely different time, a completely different mood.

Let me not deflect any longer. There’s a lot to dig into. I feel like the boy, talking to my therapist about work. The question is, why? Why does work matter? I in truth have another inbox that is full of more money per week, occasionally (being honest) per day, that I will make in bonuses all month, and perhaps altogether all month. So why does this bullshit job stress me out?

Ok, the job is not bullshit. For once, I wanted to say unlike many others however relative comparison is not useful to me here, I actually believe in the broad purpose of this job. The purpose is brains <== is this too identifying, and does that matter. I feel that, on some level, I’m actually doing a job that matters to me, promoting a technology that I believe in and want to see put to use.

This post is different, I’m distracted. I have deleted characters as much, almost as much, as I’ve typed them. I suddenly put active attention in not doing that, as I click refresh on the other computer to make sure that no one is trying to contact me.

I want to learn German. And where is my phone. I actually felt a splinter of adrenaline, run down the inside of my sternum on the left side of my heart.

Apparently, my family has a genetic defect that effects that area, and I have not been passed over in that line. I guess this explains the constant anxiety – I know that the answer couldn’t possibly be in making sure that I never run out of canned food, my constant worry. Or fail to have the appropriate clothes for any occasion, or regret not buying a pair of shoes.

Which reminds me, I meant to go, I mean to go, I will go, to the thrift store today. Where is my phone. The answer to my anxiety is not in my phone.

It also is not in my job, the joy of which is being polluted by a few people who seem to be unable to work. I know that I could do a much better job than they could, but they probably get paid a lot less, and probably do more work than it looks like.

The song playing is now in French, and it occurs to me that I’d probably get a lot further if I picked French back up than trying to learn German.

I just thought of something that I saw, and could subsequently ask about, on my other account, to my side hustle account (I hate, as I see the words, that it’s become a side hustle, especially since it pays me more than work, and in actuality, I should value self preservation over all else) that would help me with this. It’s a good thing that Spotify stopped working in that environment, the music motivates me to stay out of it until after work.

Should I though? I should value self preservation above all else. Self enrichment. After all, no one else is going to do that. Demonstrated by, in part, the suddenly cancelled meeting. They do not care about me, why I am I pouring myself so hard into something that doesn’t even pretend to want to provide a return on that investment. I will just spill, like chocolate milk, all over the floor, surrounding an unapologetic cup, pooling onto an utterly apathetic countertop and dripping onto an impossibly far away floor. To be wiped up by a a sympathetic, but final kitchen rag and washed away when whatever is watching all of this finds it convenient. <=== ok, I stretched that one way too far. In my defense, I only wanted to see how far I could go.

Maybe that’s the point. The point of today. I do it for me, not for them. Like the boy, who is sickeningly delighted seeing me sacrifice to someone else (actually some pretty hot dudes btw) rather than be touched by other men who offer me so much more than my job does, so much more than he does too, and put me in a place where I am incredibly secure, and need nothing of the carrot he dangles on a stick in front of me.

I can sympathize (the difference between sympathize and empathize is subtle but important) with him in one respect. Desire is something created, but how do I make someone else want?

My coffee is done.

I am not.

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