I have no idea how to find the song I woke up with in my head this morning, so I just put on a mix… I haven’t done that in a while.

It was supposed to snow last night… funny, I went out for a cigarette with half a cup of coffee and I didn’t even think to look. I have errands that I have to run today, so I guess I’ll see it then. I have a suit to try on, I have two suits that I have to clean. One is actually machine washable, but I love the suit so much that I’m not sure if I should trust the washing machine. Suppose it snags and my $200 suit comes out looking like a salvation army disaster.

People loved the suit.

I should be working, but so should everyone else. Kind of disappointed in the new job, but I guess I should be relieved that I barely have to do anything. Why can’t I just be happy about that, instead of sad for the rest of the world, having to suffer through inept work and inefficiency, their own and everyone else’s?

My friend’s son was shot last night.

It’s funny, not funny, how these kinds of tragedies are just the undercurrent of some people’s lives, barely noteworthy, while other people are in tears because someone they know knew someone who has cancer of the big toe.

I could keep writing, but I constrain myself to coffee time. I can’t navel gaze all day… although, I have gained weight and my navel is much deeper now than I’d like. I actually have to remember to clean it now, as it’s sweater season and I found a piece of lint embarrassingly in my navel.

I paused, but I didn’t need to. I am at the point in my cup where I have to, or at least feel compelled to, choose a point for the post. I don’t want to do that. I smell the broth I put on to simmer warming up in the kitchen – I’m going to have the boy over for dinner tonight.

He thoroughly doesn’t deserve it. I was working last week with another white man, and I honestly do not for the life of me understand why anyone puts up with such uselessness, myself included.

Last night on my twitter line someone said that they date white men, and feel bad about it, but can’t explain it. Same, though I deleted my reply within 3 minutes because I feel even worse than that. I paused. I think of my side dude, who would want nothing more than to receive all of the hard work I give to the boy, and who does thoroughly deserve it. Why do I do this? Why am I cooking French Vietnamese duck and savoy cabbage cream confit for a white man who will say the faintest thank you in between hours of complaints about everything that has nothing to do with me, and not for the man who introduced me to Alice Coltrane and listens for hours while I talk about what matters to me, the universe, and my brain mirroring the natural order, the flaws that it exposes the natural order, and the general wonder at the idea that anything can be a flaw when the actual objective of the place where the flaw fits has yet to be defined, so how did we even come up with the idea of right and wrong, and why do we so quickly point out wrong while debate until the end of time what is right?

These things keep me up at night. The boy wants none of that, he wants none of me. I wish I wanted my side dude, physically. I don’t. I want to. But I don’t.

And I feel bad about it.

And that’s why I keep opening Hinge… trying to find someone like him that I do love, physically.

I don’t think I’m pregnant this month. I don’t want to have the boy’s child, but I do. He’ll make a terrible father. He would never deserve a capitalization, like my Father.

How(I actually paused right in the middle of a word)ever, the boy is boring enough to raise a family with, he makes decent money… My heart sinks as I realize that I’m settling, truly and thoroughly. So is he, clearly. He barely likes me. I can tell. His head is too far up his ass to ever really love anyone, and I guess that’s why I don’t care if he loves me. It’s not my fault, after all. It’s not because I’m a terrible person (which I am).

My side dude makes me feel like I’m not.

There was a tweet on my TL that I want to find to properly credit

If your soulmate didn’t have to be a romantic partner, would that take off some of the pressure?

I’ll find it at some point

Yes, yes it would.

This is such an appropriate song to end on.