This was in my drafts from yesterday


I’m traveling, but I still can find time to do this. I woke up and looked at my phone, already saw something quite troubling in my work email. I don’t want to think about it, even though I am and it is now a trickle of acid pooling in the base of my stomach.

I did go to the gym last night though, which I said I would do more often, but I feel like I have an adequate excuse this time as there were worthy distractions around me that I don’t feel bad about.

There is no music today, I realize that that’s why I’m pausing here. I don’t feel comfortable turning on my speakers as it’s early in the morning, and I did not bring headphones. Actually, I did. It’s taking me a while to go get them, since actually I think I hate them. And I just clicked away to see if I can find earwires for them… when did the internet become so useless.

Or maybe I became useless. I really have to make sure that I drink this coffee. I don’t even know when I have to check out today.

I don’t want to go home, and I don’t want to stay here. I want the world to stop, I want to quit my job, I don’t want to get old. I figure eventually I won’t care, I really won’t care, if I die. And that’s when I will. When dying isn’t so much an avoidance of what I don’t want to do, but just whatever, who cares what happens. If I die, I die.

These earbuds are so distracting. Not to mention disgusting, especially when they fall out on the floor and then I pick them up and put them back into my ear. OMG, this is why white people get the plague. So fucking gross.

I was about to jot down a tweet draft for my other account, and of course I see a text from one of my white girl “friends”. She’s just as selfish as the boy. Are all white people like that? I have seen some scary, scary things. I want to step out of the human race for a while.

This is going nowhere. A culmination of factors – trying to eat, constantly trying to chase down my earbuds, being in a strange place, not knowing what time it is and where I’m going, work distractions. Shitty music. Is this what my life is going to be like now?

I wanted this job so bad, and I feel myself hating it. I need to calm down. First and foremost, no one cares if I lose this job, not even me. I’m actually losing money by keeping it.

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