At least I get to be here. Gratitude. Remember your attitude of gratitude. I have to remember to do this more, I actually woke up soothed by the thought that I could.
It’s been a while since I’ve been here… the quotations around here are unnecessary. It’s been a while since I was home in general, and even longer since I had time to do this. Truth to be told… I forgot what I was going to say.
Telephone by Lady Gaga and Beyonce (don’t you dare forget how Beyonce picked up that track) is actually a pretty good anthem for my life… and why I can’t date. Or have meaningful relationships of any kind. Who the fuck are all these people who assume I have time? Because I so don’t.
So I don’t want to go on and on, in this precious time that I take out for myself, about how I don’t have time. I woke up too early today considering how late I got home, my head full of thoughts about what would go here. Now it’s all gone, and I guess that’s fine too. I feel much better.
I’ve not been feeling good lately, at all. I have a pain in the small of my back, right under where my shoulders end and my back begins, the spot on the spine that I so cruelly snap when I need to dismember a turkey carcass for stock. I look at it, the inside of the vertebrae exposed, cooked spinal cord and its supporting vascular tubes dangling helpless from the whole. It hurts, more every day, when I stand, when I breath. I have to get on top of my health.
I called a chiropractor, lamely, around the corner from here. I’m having a hard time dealing with my age. Happy birthday. I’m no longer their favorite clients, a hot young girl who wants to have their healing hands on me. I don’t like the way I’m suddenly being viewed in the world, or rather not viewed. I have to get comfortable with this, as time is moving forward and I have to make the most of what’s left here. I’ve gained a lot of weight, suddenly. I know what’s wrong, my Father told me – he saw it clearly.
Stress. I am so stressed. This job has got me, my relationships have got me, my body has got me, my life has got me… so stressed. How do I get on top of that? I have to get on top of this.
I’m learning that I have to put myself first in terms of work… if I suck at my job, I suck at my job. Everyone else seems to be fine with it, and this is my life to live. Fundamentally. The job is such, and I hate to be fatalistic but time is running out for me to make good decisions and I do not what to waste time (this policy applies to so much of my life) that I can not do a good job anyway, because they all suck so bad. Maybe they don’t truly suck, but maybe they’ve all come to the same conclusion as I have and so they don’t mind dropping the ball on me all the time. So, I have learned, yet again, that I have to put myself first and put myself out there.
I made more money on the way to the airport than work will pay me for my entire business trip. I have to understand that, fully, and embrace that, fully. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I truly don’t understand how anyone who understood that would fault me for taking the money.
And yet they do. I have a quote by Anton LaVey floating in my head, and I want to put it down but I know that I’ll butcher it so badly… that you’ll get more power out 60 watt bulb that’s on 20% of the time than a 20 watt bulb that’s on 60% of the time. Like dudes, I add value to your workplace regardless. I’m doing a better job than you even though I spent 4 hours out of the day on someone’s dick. I answer more emails on the plane home from my dates than I see you doing all day.
This may not exactly be true, but considering that I make more in one day than the quarterly bonus that I just got, whatever it’s true enough.
And considering my age, which is beginning to be a sore spot which I must soothe (I suddenly thought of my Father and I have to call him… my Mother as well tbh), I can see now that this will not be true forever. So I absolutely must take advantage. I’m lucky that I can.
I have been working so hard not to think of my relationship, which does not deserve to be thought of. I spoke to my best friend the other day (I have to call her too).
First off, is this a relationship that you’re really interested in pursuing?I cut her off after that, but she’s absolutely right. That is a valid question.
I called her after a catastrophic fight with the boy (who will never deserve a more mature moniker apparently, even though he is in fact older than me), and that was the first (I almost wrote worst) question that she asked me. And I get it, because honestly from her perspective it bears asking. Asking like WTF?
I wonder if she did sleep with him in college. I wouldn’t be mad at her, but I would be mad at him. Because honestly she probably barely remembers except for the name, since she sleeps with everyone (and it was before either of them knew me I bet), whereas he probably still thinks back on that night fondly and considers it a notable conquest with a truly special girl, because she is.
And there it goes, right back to another very valid question.
Ugh, this is the hard part. Although I do wonder if the reason he sucks so bad is because I never gave him the chance to be better, but this is not at all true. I only wonder if there’s anyone out there who is asking the same thing about me.
And I wonder if it’s anyone that I really care about. Unfortunately, probably not. Why is life so screwed up like that?
This coffee mug that the boy gave me is a little too big. There’s more coffee in here than I can drink before it gets cold.
I think that this is a valuable consideration when choosing a mug. 6oz is too small, but a whole pint is too big unless it’s properly insulated.
Put me on the phone with marketing, they need to know this.