I wanted to write here today, but I suddenly feel that I have nothing to say. Nothing interesting, maybe.

I realized last night, after going to the gym for the first time in a while, that this pandemic really has changed my life. Not really that, but I have changed during this pandemic, and there’s no going back to the way things were before.

I lost an eye. I’ll never enjoy dressing up, all of my jewelry, the rhinestones and makeup, like I used to. And hence, I don’t enjoy going out as much to show it off. So things are opening up, and I don’t really care.

This really has gone the way that me and my ex predicted it would, way back at the beginning of the pandemic. First wave, second wave, now the soft thud of the third, and then we’ll all just give up trying to protect ourselves from the lessening threat.

For that, I do miss him. He was wonderful to talk to. He truly did understand how to talk about ideas, he (in conversation) expressed the same kind of ambition that I do, building upon these ideas. Some of what he said to me afterwards indicates that he valued that about me, too.

I still would not take him back if he tried, I know it. I’d regret it but I’d do it anyway, because honestly I’m still angry at what a shitheel of a person he was overall, and I really should be angry. He treated me so horribly, I really don’t see how a person could justify being that awful. It just hurts more that a person so smart would choose to be terrible to me. It makes me question whether being terrible to me may actually be the right thing to do… and that’s why I lost so much of my life to him. I”m still angry at him for taking it.

And besides, the sex was not good. Primarily because it was nonexistent. I can’t have that.

Really, is sex with the boy good enough to justify what a cantankerous bitch he is all the time. Everyone is different kinds of terrible – I don’t think I can describe my ex as a cantankerous bitch. My more recent ex, definitely not, he was wonderful though several other things as well. My ex was a sociopathically entitled vampirically cruel sonofabitch, but he was overall not that cantankerous. I was definitely the most cantankerous one in that relationship.

This domain expires in 61 days… I think I want to continue it, as it’s the only form of therapy I really have, and if most people are as most people seem, the best I can expect to get anywhere. Or maybe, as I recommended to my Father on many occasions (why did I put that in past tense all of a sudden) I just need to know better people.

Interestingly (my tongue went into my cheek when I thought of describing this as interesting, perhaps that’s where this expression comes from), my Mother had said something to me a while back, about my brother.

Do you have friends that you can talk to? Friends that you really could tell anything to, and they wouldn’t judge you? Well, you’re brother says that he doesn’t.

Thinking of it, she was probably thinking of it in the shallow sense. Like I could tell my friends if I had an affair, or if I accidentally killed someone, or if I intentionally killed someone, or some trivial act like that. Oh yeah, I could tell anyone, it wouldn’t really matter.

I do have some friends, though I have to work on it. I miss having so many, though. People I could sit and talk about anything with, how we’re probably all just dustmites on this animal the Earth, meant to keep her pores clean and free of debris but instead clogging things and causing terrible acne. Or the concept of sonification and how words really do hold power in that sense only, and what sound has done to language (a la the KiKi and BoBo effect), that that language has done to our culture, and how this process will continue in written language as people now write more languages than they can speak. Will people continue to speak? I notice so many mispronounciations, more than I used to. Like it’s a personal touch of style to mispronounce your favorite words. WTF is really with that. So fucking annoying, and I feel like I’m the only one who’s truly bothered by it to the extent that I am. In that I feel truly alone. I should see how my friends feel.

Of course, at this point it must be obvious that I’m not talking about the boy because we had another fight. A stupid fight, it’s not even a fight.

I’m afraid he’s stupid. And I’m not really afraid, I know he is. I’m so disappointed. My most recent ex was stupid too, that was one of the biggest problems. But this one is stupid and cantankerous, so the stupid behavior that my last ex displayed only in arguments is stupid behavior that I have to see constantly when I’m with a cantankerous bitch.

I argue with my Father, who speaks beautifully but consonantly has to infer all things language because he was raised without any. He still engages on points and builds arguments beautifully. I then was spoiled (I’ll admit, though I see so many reasons to take that back) by arguing with my ex, who had the same skill, though not as well, but knew how to slow down and argument and ask questions where he did not understand, though admittedly that took several years to build and I see it dissolved quickly.

Several years to build… I’m taking a break to look at that one. I just actually took a break to text the boy, pointlessly. I had something to say, but I know it falls on deaf ears (got to go back to this, why was it so much more satisfying to talk to ears that were actually deaf? and incidentally my ex was amazing with dogs). It’s like talking to a dog. I want a dog so bad, I think that’s why I’m putting up with a man at all but unfortunately my current selection of men would not be good dog fathers. It’s so pointless.

I’m skipping work this morning to write, and relishing it, although work must get done. It will.


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