Snow

Perfectly good snow day… and my neighbors are texting me. I feel like the energy of the day is ruined, but I can’t afford to feel that way.

I have a lot of tension in my neck today… I wonder if the chiropractor that I saw lat week actually did anything, I don’t think so, but I’m going back this week. He feels like nothing but a scam artist.

I’m dizzy… maybe it’s my glasses. But it’s probably my neck. My hands hurt, and it’s slowing my typing.

There is a lot to say though, if I haven’t lost all of it. I had dreams last night, but I can’t remember anything but being out on the ocean, with huge high waves of greenish brown, brackish water crashing down in front of me, desperately swimming for shore, and realizing that I was already on the uncomfortably pebbled beach.

I went to sleep last night, and woke up this morning, looking so strongly forward to an uninterrupted day. The boy is away – we haven’t officially broken up but I have some things to say to him that will not go over well, because nothing goes over well. Well if he doesn’t like it, he can go fuck off. He probably will.

My hands are tired, maybe that’s why I am slow writing today, why I feel so willing just to sit back, and not say anything here. And why there are so many typos. I feel like my wrist brace is on the wrong hand.

What can I say here that hits, what’s worthwhile today? I had thoughts about my ex, the most recent one, and how hard he worked in the relationship. Did he see me like I see the boy now? I understand that there’s no going back, and that relationship is over and done for good reasons, just as I always knew it would be because the reasons were good the entire time. However, maybe I should call and apologize. I was thinking “what’s the harm in that?” when I know full well what the harm of that would be. I should let him move on… but there’s an evil part of me that never allows that to happen.

I clicked away into an unrelated tab… looking inward isn’t working so well, let’s try looking forward.

I have an uninterrupted day, perhaps… what do I want to do with it? I want to take that giant turkey out of the freezer like I should have last night, cut up the giant watermelon in the fridge and transfer it to the freezer, maybe play some video games and maybe get my life back.

I’ll get to work on my to-do list, which has felt useless the last few months because I never get to any of it. Now that I can, there’s a vacuum and all these tasks are rushing in, I won’t be able to get them all done, and I have to be ok with that. I’m so stiff, I wonder what I did to myself last night. Maybe I should do my hair, finally.

Tomorrow could be a better day, tomorrow I may be able to gain better insight. Today is still good though, once I finally get my brain clear.

A pang in my chest reminds me that I haven’t really thought much of the boy lately – I’m limiting my contact with him. I do miss him, but that’s attachment, not love. I’m trying to test myself to see if I actually look forward to his company. I’m trying not to create the results of my own experiment, but that is hard. At the present moment, I’m still in the detox phase, all of the time that he takes up is left unclaimed and has to be reorganized back into my own life. But I see that it’s there, and the potential for me to take my life back is there. Yes, I’ll miss texting him throughout the day, but it’s time for me to think about who I should be texting instead. So, so many people.

I looked so forward to writing here, but in the end I have nothing to say.

Let’s see what I do here.

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