All the while, someone is screaming underneath, and I’m just thinking. Wow, it’s weird how the heat builds in waves to the point where we don’t notice it, like the tide coming in. But there is a radical difference between the starting and stopping points. I wonder how this approach can be applied to change, generally, and how it has been applied to change, generally, and in my life specifically?
I am so mean to people when I try to protect myself. Like a fucking cornered animal. He is going to leave me, so I have to leave him. I can say whatever I want about it, and I will, I have, but that is the truth.
I was looking for something in this boy, in this relationship. My head is throbbing, why is this so painful to say. I don’t know, but I do know that it was unfair to look for it there. I can not replace my ex. He does not love me. He will not love me. None of them have, and honestly, most likely, and I am afraid of this, no one ever will. People just aren’t made like I want them to be. People don’t exist like that.
I remember chipping away at the stone to bury her. There is land where shovels do you no good, it’s just rock under there. And you have to find a place where the rock breaks, and then get a long steel rod and wedge it into the crack, and if you haven’t thrown your shoulder out by then you have to push with all your weight and thank god for every pound you have and hope that you have enough strength to wedge the rock open, and if you’re alone you have to push hard enough to slide the rock apart so the opening doesn’t crash closed when you put whatever it is that you were trying to bury inside.
I actually had to explain to my ex that green bell peppers and red bell peppers come from the same plant. This, to a man who proudly “grew up in the woods”. OMG America. I can’t believe I ever let his dick inside me, let alone had 5 abortions for it. I wish I had died, at any point, instead.
I guess I better go back to work for a bit… I know it’s probably not the best decision for my health, or my sanity, but it is the most effective coping mechanism I’ve found so far to deal with my general dissatisfaction with everything that is this normal life, everything that other people seem to be satisfied with, and everything that will never be enough for me.
I didn’t break up with the boy yesterday. I should have. Instead I gave my time to someone who thoroughly doesn’t deserve it, and probably should have given it to the boy, who deserves it only marginally more. I really ought to let him go.
I don’t know why every white man will literally take the most busted ass white girl over an Ivy League, Playboy model Penthouse quality Black girl. Please someone answer this for me. <=== there is no question mark because fuck you this is not a question.
There are types of tears that one can’t fight. The kind that come out from under the top eyelid. There is a tear duct up almost at the inner corner of the eyebrow. There is nothing I can do about that one. However, I have had eye infections there before, and so it’s good to clean it out once in a while. That’s what I have told myself for my entire life. I don’t care if anyone thinks this is stupid, it’s your fault for clicking on this link.
Also, I’m ridiculously ambitious. I’m glad that’s coming back into my life, actually. I just flipped to a browser that had a bunch of extra work in it. OMG. There is a lot to do today, I might bail.