I sat down next to him to talk. He looked right at me, but it was shadowy. Is it because I can’t even really remember what he looks like anymore?
There’s something bigger I was about to talk about, before I mentioned the boy, and that’s what the boy has done to my mind. Not his fault, I picked him up specifically for that purpose – to hide from myself. I always find the biggest whitest man I can find and hide myself behind them. They view me as a certain type of person, in a certain way, and that’s so much easier to talk about than anything that’s underneath all that.
Why is he unreasonably scared of *me* being a contaminant, but not afraid of touching the same packages on the shelves of a supermarket with a gazillion other people?Yes, you know what I’m suddenly getting at. The same reason I was going to go into NH to buy my dad groceries, and the same reason that my brother can not risk wearing a mask when he goes shopping.
He’s a real person, and our interactions are real. I, honestly, completely forgot what that feels like. It totally hit me like a ton of bricks and knocked the wind out of me and whatever human allusions can be made to just blowing my fucking mind and leaving me absolutely blank, clueless and scrambling. It has been 3 almost 4 months of fucking this guy before I could figure out what’s going on here. Now I just can’t figure out why I couldn’t figure it out sooner, and why I couldn’t find it anywhere else.