I know how my ex got to be the way he is, but I have never understood why he would choose to be that way to me. I thought we were supposed to be better than that to each other. His life was not good, I know. Neither was mine, and he knows that too. So why, rather than be each other’s safe haven, does he just derive such joy and false feelings of superiority because he thinks he knows where my sore points are and he’s finally found a foe he can truly defeat. So thoroughly exploitative, I would never in a million years do that to anyone, anyone who would ever be so good to me as to even say they love me, and try to make it look like they did. I would never do that to him.
I am so mean to people when I try to protect myself. Like a fucking cornered animal. He is going to leave me, so I have to leave him. I can say whatever I want about it, and I will, I have, but that is the truth.
It’s like those dreams where everything is just so normal that you would swear it’s real life, until you find the one thing that doesn’t fit, and then comes that awestruck, almost terrified feeling as you realize that so many things that you thought did make sense actually don’t, and eye everything about your day with quiet suspicion until you just give the fuck up and go with it, ask your ex if he actually called, realize that the friends you called are actually dead, and that you never actually took the laundry out of the dryer this morning