It calms me. As does recounting this past, all this past that is a part of me and will never belong to my ex. There, he was not there for everything it’s not like my whole life is ending. He never knew me. There was so much he never knew, and I am still all of that. My collarbones hurt, pinching in towards my throat on that place that I love so much on a man, and yes on him. On the place that I know, from my previous studies, autistic and aspergers patients focus on instead of the face in social interactions. On the place where animals focus, on the place where you must be sure to control when you’re facing down dogs so that they know that you are dominant, and you have orders for them.
I dreamed of boats, of a property that I owned, the property that my brother owned, the property that my friend used to own, on a dirt road behind a town that could have been anywhere, on an old road behind the main road that everyone knows, that everyone uses to get to two places that are somewhere, bypassing all of the cool stuff that only the older locals remember. All the lakes, rivers, old drinking spots, beached cars from the 60’s, the hollowed out ice cream truck that looks like it’s been there since the 40’s , the abandoned zoo with the art deco stone carvings to denote which exotic animal was in which cage.