I then remembered that I’m no longer afraid of spiders, and decided to push forward (in my waking state probably not a good idea.) The panic of claustrophobia set in, and then I remembered that I was actually asleep and should probably just wake up.
Is this exercise losing it’s impact? I don’t think so, I think it’s exactly the opposite. I think that I’m out of practice here because I haven’t been back. Because I’ve been waking up in one bed or another, because I’ve been ashamed at my actual progress, because I’ve continued seeing the same men that I hate even though I know that they are not worth dying for, the money is not worth dying for, it’s not worth killing everyone I love for, and even in good times it was killing me, and I’m going back into the meat grinder for a a second run through.
I am so mean to people when I try to protect myself. Like a fucking cornered animal. He is going to leave me, so I have to leave him. I can say whatever I want about it, and I will, I have, but that is the truth.