My thoughts wandered to wondering about the other people in my apartment complex, which I’m learning is not all that awesome. How are they surviving? Are they working demeaning jobs that value image over actual human life, are they down to the last dollar at the end of the month, struggling to shave $20 off of their expenses, asking random friends for money, like my town friends have asked me? How do we as a society feel about making people go through that?
I remember when I first broke up with my ex, the first time. He was devastated, and I know what that feels like. When everything hurts so bad, so bad, and the only person who can help is the same person who is hurting you. I wonder if I ever told him that I understand what that’s like, because I really, really do. And if he doesn’t know that I understand, I can understand why he still hates me.
Repetition is part of who I am, and everything I do. I guess I intrinsically know that no one is going to listen to me the first time, or the second time, but after all is said and done – no one can tell me I didn’t tell them so.
Glad to see me and my body are still on speaking terms, even if they took to the subconscious stage to officially present their grievances. It’s true, I’m in pain and winter is going to make it worse. I don’t know who to talk to to get good advice here. My Father will tell me to go to the gym, of course, but he’s not considering the plague. Everyone else just simply can’t understand why I need the gym like I do, the fat lazy fuckers. Or they’re runners, who work out for stimulation, not relaxation as I do.
I had dreams last night, and they were intense, descriptive, and complete. I woke up feeling like an entire, complete narrative had taken place, a complete story that answered all it’s own questions. There was a beginning, middle, end, and even a moral. My brother was there, and so was everyone I wanted, even though I don’t know who that was. I went somewhere I had been meaning to go, and came back home, even though I don’t know where that is.
I think this is my biggest fear whenever I contact anyone. That they will see that I’ve done nothing. This fear, in turn, has stopped me from doing anything. It’s a vicious cycle, just like my desire to quit smoking causes me to smoke more when I have cigarettes because I know that I’ll be quitting when I’m done, which upregulates my need for nicotine.