I just hate the fact that I’m giving so much to them, for nothing in return. I suppose yes, it is my choice to give some of the things – all of my time, the expensive gifts, vacations, etc – but I don’t see how caring for someone to the extent to which I care as *optional* in a relationship. And I’m frankly disgusted to a core I can’t even see that they do. In so many ways… the ways in which these men (and I should say people) disappoint me are as different as they each are.
I am so mean to people when I try to protect myself. Like a fucking cornered animal. He is going to leave me, so I have to leave him. I can say whatever I want about it, and I will, I have, but that is the truth.
It’s like those dreams where everything is just so normal that you would swear it’s real life, until you find the one thing that doesn’t fit, and then comes that awestruck, almost terrified feeling as you realize that so many things that you thought did make sense actually don’t, and eye everything about your day with quiet suspicion until you just give the fuck up and go with it, ask your ex if he actually called, realize that the friends you called are actually dead, and that you never actually took the laundry out of the dryer this morning